in search of the absurd: fiction & nonfiction
Brainiac Responds To His Emails -- by Jon Clarke (1/28/08)
Dear human resources:
My staff and I haven't been able to locate your computer related issues. Can we meet to discuss in person?
-Brainiac, head of IT, Legion of Doom
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Dear Giganta:
Me am happy to hear you complain. Please come to my office when me not there. Me always sad to see you and me never ready to speak face to face.
-Bizarro, VP of human resources, Legion of Doom
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Dear human resources:
I am aware you always say the opposite but I'm still unclear. My department usually blocks out time in advance. We have a busy schedule but I am free at the moment. Conference room B?
-Brainiac, head of IT, Legion of Doom
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Dear Fozzie Bear:
Me am Superman. Me protect city. Me favorite dessert is steak. Me sleep in day, wake at night. Lois am hot.
-Bizarro, VP of human resources, Legion of Doom
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Dear human resources:
This seems like a personal email. Not once is my question or your IT concern addressed. Plus it contains many errors. First of all; you are NOT Superman. We are trying to kill Superman. If he were VP of human resources, we would have done it by now.
BTW, We have now lost Conference Room B to Lex Luthor and Solomon Grundy. No idea when it will be free again.
I CC'ed your last email to your superior. Perhaps we should meet in his office.
-Brainiac, head of IT, Legion of Doom
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Re: Bizarro's inquiry
Why is a hippie like a hat?
-Riddler, President, Human Resources, Legion of Doom
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Dear bread:
Why am you mad at chocolate cake? Chocolate cake is friend to you. Chocolate cake save planet when marbles attack. Marbles now not get stuck in Superman's nose.
-Bizarro, VP of human resources, Legion of Doom
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Dear human resources:
I'm not even sure this is the opposite of what you meant.
It is obvious this organization is not working efficiently. What should be a small concern has overloaded my circuits, wasted 22 days of my valuable time and forced me to vaporize my henchmen. These 22 days could have been spent rolling out Windows Vista or attacking the Flash with mind control nanobots. Therefore, consider this my resignation. I have received a counter offer from Earth 2 and will be taking the position immediately. Good luck to you in all your endeavors.
PS: I planted a bomb inside the Hall of Doom. Try to find it. ;)
-Brainiac, head of IT, Legion of Doom
