Dearest JHB:

As I sat drinking black coffee and eating beef tips at the men's club here in San Francisco, I thought of you. I remembered how I used to beat you, after I had dressed you as a little girl. It was hard for you, I'm sure, to look so stupid like a little girl like that, but luckily I was there to give you the juicy taste of a knuckle sandwich. But, whatever happened back in those days, I thought of you at the club, so you should be glad.

At any rate, I also think of you often as I work in my tall office building, or as I drive around (rather, am driven around) in my Lincoln Town Car, or when I pick up my fiancee from the spa. We laugh about how it's so cold where you are in Kazakhstan, how you're a Peace Corps volunteer making no money, how you have to speak Russian even to buy that scratchy toilet paper that we wouldn't use on dogs over here. It's funny, let me tell you.

I do miss you, of course. And I'd like to suggest that you look at this two years you'll spend there as an opportunity. Not a chance to do good, as mom and dad revealed to me the other day -- BORRRRING. Think of it more as a chance to make money by lending money to peasants and charging them high rates of interest. I'm a rich lawyer-- I can front the cash.

I know, I know, that's not the "right" thing to do. But do you think that bothers me when I represent a tobacco company or a radioactive dump? Nope. And it shouldn't bother you, either.

With fondness,

Your Loving Brother, M.C. Vaseline

Dear M.C.:

So wonderful to hear from you. And yet, at the same time, so not wonderful at all. So horrible, really.

You bring back memories I'd rather forget-- the boxing matches where you "gave me the advantage" by standing on your knees when I was six and you were ten. Throwing me off the deck. Making me drink rubbing alcohol because it would "put hair on my chest." Did it put hair there? Yes, but only because after I drank it you staple-gunned a wool sweater to my nipples.

What I'm doing here has nothing to do with making money off the backs of the poor. Did I tell you about the new school I helped start here? It was so exciting! I'm working with Yuri, a young Russian entrepreneur who's got some funding. It's a school for underpriviliged kids. We're really making a difference!

I miss you,

Your Friend and Brother, JHB

Cher JHB:

Cute letter I got from you. Schools? Ho-hum. When was the last time you heard of a school making any money. Ok, maybe Barbizon or one of those barber schools. But it sounds like your Yuri-inspired BS is more like the reading-writing-arithmetic kind of thing. Let me tell you something, kiddo-- those people don't want or need that. What they need is more bars and some strip clubs. I can just picture it -- "JHB's American." They'll swarm to it like flies!! Anyway, off for the weekend up to Napa. We're going winetasting. I can just taste it now. . . mmm.

Enjoy your lack of heat!!

With great affection, M.C. Vaseline

Dear M.C. Vaseline:

We made such headway today at the school! One of the kids taking algebra came up to me and said, in Kazakh (which I'm just starting to get down a little better): "Uncle JHB, you have made such a difference in our lives!! Please don't go back to America!!"

I'm so filled with conflicted thoughts. On the one hand, I miss home, you, mom, dad, sis, all of my friends. On the other hand, there's so much to accomplish here, so much pain and suffering to help people get over.

As ever, JHB

JHB:

If I hadn't scored such a big new client today, if I hadn't received a bonus of $450,000 for the year, if I hadn't gone out and drunk my fill of Maker's Mark and hired a beautiful blonde call-girl last night, your letter might have annoyed me. Luckily, I did all of those things, so your letter merely made me chuckle. That's the same reaction I have if I fart in my office just before my secretary comes in or if I give a bum a fake nickle as he sits, festering, in a pool of his own urine outside my apartment building. Your "school" and your other "projects" are laughable.

Make some money, friend!! It's just there waiting for you to take it!! You could be charging 5 or 10,000% interest to those poor sods instead of wasting your valuable time and energy on schools, which can only convince them that they deserve what I have, which is everything.

With Regret, M.C.

M.C. Vaseline:

I won't write to you any more. Your letters make me sad-- you're a shallow, abusive, dim-witted drain on my emotion and soul. Please don't contact me anymore.

With deep sadness, JHB

JHB:

Boo-hoo, you little pussy. Call me when 1) I give an F; 2) you have more money.

Your Older Brother and Admirer, M.C. Vaseline