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Iran to Launch Probe into Ptolemaic Space -- by Michael Fowler
The spokesperson for the Iranian space program, Colonel Almagest, announced today that all systems were go for a launch of the first Iranian interplanetary and interstellar space exploratory module, the Xerxes 1. ‘The rotation of the celestial sphere in which the stars are embedded will provide a window for the launch of the Xerxes 1 probe this Tuesday, God willing and weather permitting,’ said the Colonel. ‘The probe will travel from the never-moving earth into the empyrean and straight to God. We here at Iranian mission control pray that the Deity will accept our humble probe, and are terribly excited.’
Yet some European and American scientists have questioned whether space may be conquered by the 2nd century astronomy of Ptolemy. The work of the undeniably great African physicist and mystic, who placed the Earth at the center of a perfectly spherical universe, was already outdated in the 1600s when the astronomer Copernicus came along and made the sun the center of the universe. But Colonel Almagest scoffed at those who doubt Ptolemy.
‘I concede there are scientists who maintain that the movement of the stars in the night sky above the Earth is caused by the rotation of the Earth, and not by the rotation of an outer Starry Sphere. Yet they must be silenced by the objection that, if the Earth really does spin as their theory demands, huge blasts of wind would tear the land and seas apart, the air not being obliged to share in the Earth’s rotation. A bird, as soon as it released a tree branch, would hurtle off the face of the planet at tremendous speed, if this crackpot idea of a rotating Earth were true.
‘Ptolemy’s writings,’ the Colonel went on to say, ‘are among the great classics, and therefore must be correct.’ The Colonel stabbed his finger at reporters, adding, ‘Those scientists who doubt the Ptolemaic system are to be whipped in public as heretics and will lose fingers if they keep it up. And they can forget about attending soccer matches.’
Unlike the ancients who believed that a view of the entire universe could be obtained by constructing a tall enough tower to serve as an observation point, the Iranian space team of rocket scientists, astronomers, and alchemists agree with Ptolemy that the universe is a sphere about 100 million miles in diameter. This places the edge of universe outside the scope of an observation tower, but perhaps does leave it within reach of a space probe, provided the probe flies far enough without mishap.
‘Let me put one ignorant rumor to rest,’ said the Colonel. ‘Xerxes 1 is an unmanned probe. Thus, the criticism from some Westerners that our craft ‘isn’t fit for a Christian to fly in’ is quite beside the point. No man, Christian or Muslim, will be aboard this projectile. And how Western critics would know of the safety and quality of the Iranian probe defies analysis. Who in the West can say how far along our space program is? So what if we don’t have telescopes? Only we can judge our mission’s accuracy. And we now stand ready to show the world that the divinely perfect circles of Ptolemy, on which our space program depends, do truly describe space.’
Once launched, Xerxes 1 will have a busy visitation schedule. Up first is Mars. The Iranian scientists have calculated that the position of the Red Planet within its epicycle--the small circle that it makes as it travels in its larger circle around the Earth--makes possible a soft Martian landing. After touchdown, Xerxes 1 will creep along the Martian landscape on its wheeled underbelly and attempt to establish sharia law. If there are no souls on Mars to be brought under fundamentalist Islamic doctrine, the craft will blast off again. It will surpass the Sphere of Saturn, the final planetary sphere, then fly past the Sphere of the Starry Firmament, where the stars lie, and even go beyond the Sphere of the Prime Mover, that almost final Sphere that imparts motion to all the inner Spheres.
‘God willing,’ said Colonel Almagest, ‘Xerxes 1 will sail all the way to the Sphere of the Crystalline Heaven. There it will reveal a message from the Iranian President that reads: ‘To His Highest Excellency God: Greetings from the Islamic Republic of Iran and its 26 million loyal worshippers. Please hold the bomb aboard in orbit until it should be dropped on Washington. Our prayers will tell Thee when. Sincerely, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran.’
The Iranians claim that the probe also contains a device to count the number of virgins in Heaven. This is to be certain there is an ample stockpile of them for the martyrs on Earth who plan to blow themselves up and claim celestial females as reward. TV cameras aboard Xerxes 1 will beam images of some of the comelier virgins and even of the Deity back to Earth to be broadcast on Al Jazeera TV, as a stimulus to the faithful. Finally, on re-entry into the spheres of the planets, Xerxes 1 will attempt to navigate among several American war satellites, never intentionally endangering them, while avoiding the peaceful orbiters of Russia and China.
Should Xerxes 1 prove successful, Xerxes 2 will not be far along. Indeed modifications and improvements on Xerxes 1 are already being suggested and tested for Xerxes 2. Among these, according to Colonel Almagest, is a robotic arm nicknamed the Khomeini Iron Fist. ‘The Khomeini Iron Fist can punch holes in American space shuttles with ease,’ explained the Colonel with pride. ‘The Xerxes 2 may also be habitable,’ he notes, ‘and left in space could form the prayer hall of an orbiting mosque.’
Whatever the success of Xerxes 1, distorting the truth about Heaven and violating the classics is not be tolerated in the Iranian space program. ‘The universe is a closed box,’ proclaimed Colonel Almagest, ‘and inside are only the perfect circles that Ptolemy described. The first nation to get to the outermost circle, where God resides, wins. And Iran plans to win.’
