Jerry Jones looks weird
magically molded cat face
because he's the Boss

Jerry Jones
Born: Oct. 13, 1942
Occupation: Football Owner-GM. Dallas Cowboys.

In 1989, with $140 million dollars and some big balls, Jerry Jones stepped up and bought the Dallas Cowboys (Texas Stadium included) lock, stock, and barrel.

These were uncertain times for 'America's Team', but Jones proved himself to be a man of action. Within days of purchasing the Cowboys, Jerry Jones designated himself as owner-GM and began firing people in earnest. His first, and perhaps most spectacular axe-job during this period was the termination of football legend and Texas Deity Tom Landry. In one blink of Jones' fat eye, the Landry era (20 consecutive winning seasons, five Super Bowl appearances, fedora hats) was over. But Jones didn't miss a beat. He moved on almost immediately, filling Landry's vacancy by hiring his old friend and homosexual lover Jimmy Johnson. The move was bold, and garnered Jones a reputation for being a 'reckless maverick' and a 'cock sucker', but the dismal Cowboys, then a sorry 3-13, had nowhere to go but up.

And under the Jones-Johnson partnership, up they went. During the early Nineties, with Jones at the helm, the Cowboys rode roughshod over the rest of the NFL, winning two consecutive Super Bowl titles in 1993 and 1994. These were the (tossed) salad days of Cowboy dominance, when Troy Aikman could scarcely be stopped and Deion Sanders was seemingly everywhere in the secondary. But sadly, in 1994, success and the fallout often accompanied by dominance created a rift between Jones and Johnson. So Jerry did what Jerry does; he told Jimmy Johnson to go fuck himself.

Under the scrutiny of the national media, Jones searched for Johnson's replacement and came up with Barry Switzer. Switzer had less hair than Johnson, but a much meaner face. He was an able coach, and, benefiting from a sort of Jimmy Johnson fatigue, Switzer was able to hold the Cowboys together long enough to lead them to another Super Bowl championship (1996). It seemed that, even though he had a knack for getting the team into trouble (see $300 million lawsuit filed by the NFL against Jones and the Cowboys for signing separate sponsorship deals with Pepsi and Nike), Jones was a winner. And, with the exception of killing poor people in the Middle East and Central Asia, there's nothing Texas loves more than a winner.

Now, you must admit, whether you love him or hate him, that Jerry Jones has a knack for succeeding. Over the last decade alone he has amassed an obscene amount of personal wealth, helped extend the dynasty of one of the greatest teams in football history, and secured executive positions for his children within the Cowboy Organization. Yes, Jerry Jones has established himself as a man of enviable success and great fortune.

So why, exactly, did Jones elect to undergo his recent plastic surgery, which, lets be honest, makes his face look like that of a stillborn kitten?

Maybe it was the Maverick in him, or maybe it was the overwhelming pressure of Dallas society. Maybe it was too much cocaine in the 80's, or some wildly neurotic childhood insecurity come back to haunt him.

Whatever the case
for Jesus Christ's sake in Heaven
Somebody please do something about Jerry Jones' new face.