in search of the absurd: fiction & nonfiction

Random Classifieds -- by Kane X. Faucher (1/28/08)

CRYPTOPOLEMICIST 4 HIRE. Weddings, funereal eulogies, incendiary or vitriolic occasions, parliamentary sessions, firings, relationship disputes, and firebrand newspaper editorials. No job too in extremis. Certified by the Logophiliac Lunacy Guild (LLG).

MAN SEEKING viable twin/doppelganger. Must not ask questions, no criminal record, and should appear at the Bank of Montreal 3rd & Main at exactly 4:45pm.

FOR IMMEDIATE SALE. Gently used Thailand boy. Can serve drinks, massage-trained, and other services. No papers. $300 or best offer.

FOR RENT. Spacious, centrally located, A/C, bunker-enabled.  Large military installation fully equipped with all appliances and staff. Optional missile defense system.  Unique heritage site (five-sided building).

LOST. Tesla death ray gun. High-grade neon pink polymer sheath. Sticker on barrel reads "...and let God sort 'em out". If found, please do not use. Return to Dr. Foskett at his laboratory in Hampton Hills.
 
MAN SEEKING WOMAN for complete skeleton exchange. Must have own transportation.

F/T POSITION AVAILABLE. Skilled dogcatcher needed.  Apply at the Beefy Baron Diner.

SKILLED VIRTUAL SOCIAL NETWORKING ENGINEER. Full range of services including: leaving creepy messages on walls, group-tailgating, constant barrage of inbox messages, excessive tagging, friend-harassing, persistent poking. Guaranteed insomniac with good web service. Put some drama in your life and never be left alone again. Propositions for in-person rendezvous incl.

EXPANDING CALL CENTRE BUSINESS. Can you inspire others to hate you just by speaking a few words? Do you enjoy waking hard-working men and women at 5 am on Saturday morning with offers of long-distance phone service? Can you just keep on speaking even when it is clear that the other person is irritated? If you answered yes to all these questions, you could join our winning team! Fax us your resume today!

WANTED: Panties that contain residue from STDs incl. herpes, gonorrhea, etc. Some questions asked.