"Live as one of them, Anthony, to discover where your strength and your power are needed. And always hold in your heart the pride of your special heritage. They can be a great people, Anthony - they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you - my only son." -- Jor-El

Many people have been inspired to ask the question "How did Anthony Robbins get so smart" and "Where did that ugly attractive guy on TV come from, anyway?". Well, here at the Raging face, we've decided to look into those questions and give you a brief run down of the A-man's personal history….

Anthony Robbins, it turns out, divined all of his knowledge from a glowing green crystal, given to him by his father Jor-el, which contained the amassed knowledge of the planet Krypton. You see, immediately before his home planet of Krypton was destroyed by apocalyptic seismic disturbances, young Anthony Robbins was bundled into a small egg crate and sent hurling across space and time to New Jersey. This long and harrowing trip took several years, during which Robbins was subjected to subliminal teachings on the psychology of peak performance and personal, professional, and organizational turnaround.

Once he crash-landed in the Tri-State area, Anthony was found and subsequently adopted by the Robbins family, who raised him in a chicken incubator. By the time Anthony turned eighteen, as recorded in earth years, the green crystal that Jor-El had sent along with him quietly called on Anthony to make another journey, a pilgrimage, to learn who he was and why he was on Earth.

So Anthony Robbins trekked to the deserted wastes of the frozen north, where, among other things, he saw the brilliant lights of the aurora borealis. The deep red and florescent green ribbons of the midnight Sun inspired Robbins to throw his knowledge crystal into the icy abyss, where, upon impact, it sprouted into a breathtaking crystalline palace.

While entering this fantastic structure, Robbins mysteriously stumbled upon his original green knowledge crystal (what? If the crystal is still intact, where did the palace come from, asshole?). Anyway, he placed the crystal blah blah blah in a blah blah blah on the glacial control panel, and was presented with a Ghostly vision of his father, Jor-El (Marlon Brando). After some hemming and hawing, Jor-El's spectral projection took Anthony Robbins on another twelve-year sojourn, once again breaking the bonds of time and space. On this journey, Robbins learned not only about the vast resources of caring, education, and inspiration, but also of the intricate metaphysics behind 'Personal Power', and probably some other crap, too.

As the godly countenance of Jor-El faded, a familiar figure stood before us, dressed in dark blue suit with a red silk tie, his starched white teeth blinding any and all who looked upon him. No longer was Anthony a boy. He was now mature and confident, equipped with some very specific strategies and tools for "Awakening the Giant Within".

It was on this journey that Anthony Robbins became a Man, and it was during these times of trial and tribulation that Anthony Robbins achieved "Personal Power". And so it was in this way, my friends, that Anthony Robbins became a force of Nature.

Amen