Hi Brad,

I recently found out you and Jen split up.  Since I read Jen moved in with her hairdresser, I would like to offer you a place to stay with me in my apartment. I am prepared for your arrival.  My fridge is fully stocked with microbiotic foods, because I read you were on that diet, and I have a full cabinet of light beer, because I read that is the only kind you drink.  Oh, and don't worry, I took care of my cat.  I know you are more of a dog person.

I know the media is all saying that it was because of Angelina, or that you wanted kids and stuff, but we know the real reason.  I knew when you looked across that metal bar, right into the lens of my camera at the premiere of your new movie Ocean's 12, that you were captivated by me.   You looked totally hot, by the way.  I could have ripped your clothes off and ravished you over that guard rail.  I knew I blew your mind...and I can blow even more. Did you see the love that was already present for you in my eyes? There is a  passion we can both barely contain!  

I have the picture I took of you on my wall.  I enlarged it to life-size so I can imagine you are already with me.  I enclosed a picture of me standing next to it so you know just how great we look together.  Please notice that I am naked.  We look so hot together. So much better than you and that Jen slutbitchwhoreface.   I already sent her numerous letters letting her know what I thought of her.  

I imagine you haven't already contacted me because you don't know how. Well, enclosed is my home phone number, my address, my work number, my work p.o.box, my email address, and if you really can't get a hold of me any other way I've also included my fax number.  

I went on one of those celebrity home tours in Austin, Texas because I read in a magazine that you live there.  I don't think you do though.  I sat outside waiting for you for a while and you never came in or out even though I was screaming your name.  So I assume it is abandoned.  I mean, after three days with not one person entering or leaving you just have to assume that no one lives there, that is the logical thing.  I hunted down the tour guide and he paid for that lie.

So if you could include your real address in your letter to me, or better yet just let me know it when you call me, that would be perfect.  I love you like the sun loves the grass.  You are so sexy.  I want to wrap you up in tin foil and eat you like a burrito.  I can't wait until we are finally together.   My heart won't beat again until then. Until you get here I'll be sending naked, slutty thoughts your way.

With a kiss,

Harvey