in search of the absurd: fiction & nonfiction

Dear God -- by Kane X. Faucher

Dear God,

Your son, the Lord Jesus Christ, has been absent once again for going on near 770 000 days. I fear that his persistent truancy will result in him receiving a zero for his attendance and participation marks this term (your last letter explaining his participation by proxy abstraction of being "in our hearts" does not constitute either concrete attendance or tangible participation). His covenant with me to return to class has not yet occurred, although it has been promised each day for the last 770 000 odd days ever since he went on our field trip to Calvary to visit the anthropology museum of Golgotha. I have no choice now but seriously to recommend either remedial instruction or that he is held back this year yet again. His proposed final term project, "the Golden Kingdom and the defeat of all evil" is still late, and frankly I am becoming increasingly impatient with his lack of effort. Even one of our other problematic students, the Whore of Babylon, has been able at least to show positive signs of her project entering into the beginning phases.

There are also a few other scholastic matters I should bring up in reference to your son, the Lord Jesus Christ. I have been increasingly worried about his penchant for melodrama (his sermons delivered from his desk are a tad much, don’t you think?). As well, our phys.ed teacher has expressed his concern that your son appears too malnourished to participate in any of the activities in gym class. His aversion to dodge ball is also a concern, especially when he declared, "he who is without sin, cast the first ball". His French teacher is also becoming frustrated with your son's insistence on speaking Aramaic and not French in the classroom. Jesus' economics teacher was also quite chagrined when your son disrupted the class by declaring it a holy space, and pitched all our books on money lending out the window into the courtyard. Our principal also takes issue with the fact that your son was caught with alcohol on school property, and freely distributing wine to his classmates. As well, although we here at the institution respect alternative and ethnic means of transportation, we simply do not have the facilities to hitch the ass he rides to school everyday, this ass that has caused grievous damage to our lawns and gardens which, as you know, is school property and graciously paid for by the public taxes.

We understand that your son has some behavioural issues that need sustained attention. We also appreciate your generous donations to our school from the Three Wisemen Trust Fund, but we feel that your son's persistent absences and his dubious behaviour have become a significant problem, disrupting the well-being of the other students. Principal Pilate has washed his hands of the matter, and has entrusted me to manage this through consultation with you. I would like to arrange this at your earliest convenience; you've only to tell me which taco or grilled cheese sandwich you'll appear in next so that we may negotiate this matter accordingly.

Yours,
Jack Caesar.