Installment 1

I want to tell you something, and I don't want you to cry, except that I want you to think about what I'm saying (and crying is a great way for you to show, and for me to understand, that you're listening to what I'm saying (unless you're crying because you have to go to jail tomorrow)). Many of my young-ish man friends are depressed. The clinical kind, i think. It's not just that they're down. They're really feeling blue these days.

Now, I know you're supposed to be specific when you write, and show and not tell, but I don't want to go into specifics, mainly because these guys are friends of mine and it's not worth it to me to get the cheap laughs I expect to get from a piece like this-- I don't want to share the pain of my brothers with others. Well, actually, I guess I do want to share that pain, since I'm writing this. But what I'm really trying to do over here is to make a greater point about the unhappiness we all feel right now. So, without a lot of explanation about the specifics of my friends' situations, or even a more satisfying description of how i know these people, please pay attention, once again, without crying.

It's fall, and maybe that explains part of it, at least for some people. There is that seasonal affective disorder that lots of people know about, where you hurt real bad because the sun doesn't shine. It's a real drag-- I've had friends who spend the winter stinking up the place and moping around like they're broken-hearted continental Europeans or something, able only to wear scarves, not shave, drink strong coffee, have stained teeth. They don't get happy until the sun shines in the spring. That's a long time. In places like Chicago, you're talking about maybe September-May. That' s most of the year. And the rest of the year, they're just normal, not super-up or anything like that.

I know this one guy. He used to be this constantly "up" guy, always laughing, very creative, original, dynamic. He's still funny, but it's sort of like hanging out with a papier-mache version of him now: it looks like him, but there's a little something like a soul that just isn't there. I like papier-mache, especially in sculptures or elementary school classrooms, with the strong smell of paste, but I don't like papier-mache when it's all that a person's made of.

More people than usual are depressed. And I'm not talking about "in the nineties or 2000's" or something like that. I mean like in the last few weeks. Lots of friends and acquaintances are really down, deep down, questioning everything, work, relationships, parents, etc., more than usual. It's like post-college angst, but worse even than post-college angst, sort of post-nothing angst. And we're in San Francisco, where the weather's pretty nice, you can get drunk sometimes, the food is pretty good, you can get a job if you're serious about getting one, people drink fancy coffee, you can go hiking/biking just across the bay bridge, etc. If we're sad, what are people doing in North Dakota?

Installment 2 --Harvey Carl

Quick Depression Quiz.

Are you experiencing post-nothing depression? Take this quick quiz to find out.

One of the first signs of post-nothing depression is hatred. Who do YOU hate
today? [print out and check all that apply; scoring instructions below]

______Your boss
______Your bus driver
______Your fifth grade teacher
______Your hair stylist
______Your news anchor
______Your mechanic
______Your gardner
______Your dentist
______Your convenience store clerk
______Your dry cleaner
______Your president
______Your local assemblyman
______Your mailman
______Your butcher
______Your manicurist
______Your shoe salesman
______Your concierge
______Your ticket agent
______Your bookie
______Your acupuncturist
______Your bike tune up guy
______Your parking attendant
______Your publicist
______Your garbage man
______Your webmaster
______Your Avon Lady
______Your pimp
______Your accountant
______Your fish monger
______Your Kinkos guy
______Your newspaper delivery girl (age: 12)
______Your Toll Free Operator Assistant
______Your God
______Your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mother/father/sister/brother/best friend

SCORING: 0 and above: You are depressed. There is no cure.