in search of the absurd: fiction & nonfiction

Dissertation on the Mouth -- by Jon Clarke

The human mouth is a precise organ. It functions as an entrance to the digestive and respiratory tracts, and is a key component in communication. And that is why you have to stop putting razor blades in it.

The tongue is divided into two parts: the oral, which lies in the mouth, and the pharyngeal, which faces the oropharynx. And yours looks like a dog’s been at it. I don’t care if you like the metallic taste. You can’t use a spoon? Don’t give me backtalk. You’re cutting your mouth up every time and it’s killing your mother.

Chewing and motion of the jaw converts food into a readily digestible substance. Saliva is excreted by the three salivary glands under the tongue. And none of them can stand up to a disposable razor blade. Where do you get these ideas? I told you Jeffrey was a bad influence. No, I won’t call him “Spider”. The fact that someone wants to be called “Spider” is a clue you shouldn’t listen to him. Is that him calling? Give me the cell phone. You’ll get it back in a month.

The lips, palates, tongue, and teeth are the major components in speech formation. They shape the initial sound from the larynx. Or they would, if your mouth wasn’t filled with blood. Dear Lord, is that another one in there? I can’t even look at you. Class dismissed.