Email us -- we'll put your thoughts up here.

8/14/2005

X is the new A.

I just got to thinking: X is the letter of the new millennium. X is the new A.

That once despised letter (x-rated, x-rays, xxx [booze and smut], algebraic hell) is now a welcome sign of freedom.

You've got computer operating systems (mac os x, windows xp), web technology (xml, aspx), gaming (DirectX, Xbox), XM satellite, the X-Files, the X-Men, and the list goes on.

"Sure," you say, "but X is yesterday's news." The Roman numeral 10, Christ, the female chromosome, pirate's treasure, a bowling strike.

But has anyone on Sesame Street ever uttered the words "brought to you by the letter X"?

OK, maybe on episode #560, but it's high time X got the respect it deserves.

--Jam Master K
Dept. of Unnecessary Advocacy

"Dick" Struthers strikes again, in the spring of '05:

Vaseline -

You lint ball.

Well, I've been working on the "crusade against crap" that we planned out several months ago. It's me against the spammers, Vaseline, no help from you! I remember when we were in the front lines in Khee Sango, pumping pounds and pounds of hot lead through our weapons, side by side, breathing hard without even knowing it... but that was then and this is now. You've got other fish to fry, and it's me'mano-a-mano' with the scumbags of the internet! A deadly, doused-in-oil combat, wrestling for control of the global commons!

These dirtbags will stop at nothing. I can't give too many details here because of ongoing actions against the fuckries, but just to give you an idea of the depravity of these monsters, here's a list of subjects some sicko just sent me in an spamgasm:

You must transform to the first guy for your girl !!

You must metamorphose to the unsurpassable human for your woman !

You might transform to the top person for your woman !

You can transform to the unsurpassable man for your girl !!

You might transform to the champion man for her .

You must transmute to the unexceeded chap for your woman !!

You can transmute to the finest human for your girl.

Well, it this douchebag for some reason thinks that he is the finest unsurpassable champion top human for my girl, then he's got another thing coming! Do you see
what I'm up against, Vaseline!?!?!?

I hate the world.

Yours truly,
"The legendary" 'Dick' Struthers

"Digital Dick" Struthers
WorldWide Detective
Philanthropist
Concerned Citizen
CEO
Struthers Enterprises Unlimited

ON 1/29/05, WE GOT SOME MORE MAIL from our old "friend", "Dick" Struthers, who used to send violent missives at least once a week. We were happy not hearing from him. Getting another letter from "Dick" reminded us, as if we needed another reminder, that we live in a world where pain and aggravation are the new scotch and soda.

Vaseline--

Way back, in the dark days before I overcame my unnatural inhibitions, which you will remember as well in the same way I am sure if you allow yourself, in those days of self-denial and fear, when I did not dare utter a word confirming my true sense of personal being - but I digress!

You are familiar with my history of tradition, you know who you are reading, though you quiver in your tiny little midget boots! Yea, the days have come to pass! That doom! Bawling! Burning! The Harvest of the Reaper! Say, you say, it isn't so! It is! I, Dick Struthers, do declare unto you, "MC Vaseline," that I am involved in actions intended to undermine your covert plans against my benevolent existence and normal defensive behaviors.

Please consider this a legal contract of eternal and quarterless war.

Death to my enemies, "Dick" Struthers

=====

"Dick" Struthers Multimillionaire, Philanthropist, and Concerned Citizen
CEOStruthers Enterprises Unlimited
515 Hayseed Ave.
Suckerville, IL 60208

From "Dick" Struthers--

Late 2004:

Vaseline -
 
"Martis Furthington"?  "Admiral Pimpington"?  "Diarra Diarra"?
 
What is this shit?
 
Page after page of gibberish!  Page after page of cliches strung together like a choker necklace of bad jokes!  Page after page of perfectly good bandwidth that could be filled with something worthwhile, like hundreds of recipes for guacamole, or the scores of every little league game in Iowa for the past fifty years, or screeching denouncements of the great enemies of mankind, such as yourself!
 
This shit is like Walter Mitty on bad seafood (you can use that in promoting this site, by the way - it's a good quote, one I made myself, not borrowed from some pathetic teen prodigy's acne-obsessed blog on "teenangst.com" like your depraved noodling).
 
Well, I can't believe I'm saying it, but I'm offering my help.  I've got a little time on my hands, what with being fired from the FBI and the carwash - in the same month! - and I thought I would start by giving you a few ideas to perk things up around this little "bad patch on the Information Superhighway" (you can use that one too!  That makes two great quotes I've given you in one email!  I ought to stop now! until you send me a goddam check!).
 
I'm just throwing these ideas out, you get my drift, take the wheat with the chaff (not in my Cheerios, thank you! ha ha!), look 'em over, it's a regular gold mine compared to what your band of literary nobodies can muster:
 
Famous fishing trips of the famous before they got that way - lets people see who these people REALLY are because the way you wrestle a worm into submission and impale it on a barbed hook tells me more about a man than ten features in People magazine! - you can use interviews with people that sell tackle, bait, rent boats, the whole nine yards.  You'll run up some phone bills, but end up with something 900% original!  

Imagine, interviews with the guys that took Tyra Banks or Richard Simmons out telling all! Ricardo Montalban - but you'd have to go back a ways for him, maybe track down his fishing guides back in his native Peru or wherever he's from - Edward Norton, you know, all those types!  Dick Cheney!  Think about how his eyes must bug out when he jams a nightcrawler onto a lure, chuckling slightly with one of those smarmy smirks!  Oh, it'll be rich Vaseline, this'll make Paris go slithering back to her little broom closet in the basement of the Vegas Hilton.
 
You know, I think I've given you enough ammo for now.  You think about it, Vaseline, I'm here!  Ready and waiting.  I don't have that much time though, so get in touch with my people and we'll work this thing out.  Right away.  This is it, the real deal, you probably wouldn't know it if it came up and bit you on your goddam face!

If you think these are good ideas, you should see what else I got!  Things that'll make your head swim!  Look me up!  I know where you are!  I can come back at you!
 
With moderate wishes for a slight abatement in the misery of your pathetic existence,
"Dick" Struthers
 
PS You have to quote me! you toad.

"Dick" Struthers
aka "The Anti-Vaseline"

Sergente D. Zaughnaughts, public highschool teacher and friend of TRF sends along his words:

I'm currently in the school library -- I don't think I've seen any librarian (check out that sweet site) anywhere operate with such an iron fist as this one. She demands absolute quiet and students in seats when she's away from her desk. Reminders to use library voices could be used to mark time. She demands that I scan my disk everytime I use the computers even though her virus program is hopelessly outdated. I'm also not allowed to change the paper in printer. In no circumstance can she be persuaded by reason or the other's experience. She's probably the top librarian in the country.

Because I know you're in touch with your insides, here's a nugget of discovery for you. Having recently come off the Atkins diet, I have come up with another tool to effect a colon cleanse: speed. Forget fiber, forget enemas, my new method is to eat as much as I can. I am able to so overload my digestive tract that matter is forced through to the end at a startling pace. It's not diahhrea either. It is the cleaning power of sheer speed, the speed of feces charging through my bowels taking any possible impurity along for the ride. I haven't documented scientifically that it actually works, I'm just pretty sure that it does.

J.H. Snively weighs in on the important topic of food competition as a solution to world poverty.

Two more missives from "Dick" Struthers, TRF's Public Enemy #1, to M.C. Vaseline, Founder of TRF ( . . . click here to get updated on all of our contra-opponent activities . . .)

1.

Vaseline (you whore) - I see you posted my little poem. Good for you. But I'm getting sick of begin relegated your pimpy little letters page. Time for a change. My day in the sun. The world turns. All that jazz. You know damn well what I'm talking about, you dirty little knob, and your readers deserve better than the schlock you're dishing out on their plates day in and day out - the stale, crusty remnants of half-baked ideas from a gang of second-rate half-wits whose jumbled fantasies are barely recognizable in the clownlike garble of hackneyed prose that dribbles from their little brains like the pathetic ejaculate of a third-rate masturbatory exercise.

Your 'readers' deserve such drivel, it's true, but the general public does not. Watch out, Vaseline - we've got our eyes on you. We're going to crush you with our unstoppable steamrolling vengeance, like you were so many deep-fired and barely recognizable grubs waiting to be pulverized into nothing. I hope you understand that what I'm trying to say is, we don't like you and we're going to get you. Get it? Yours in irrepressible enmity and unending loathing,

"Dick" Struthers

PS If you don't use some of these photos I'm sending you, I'm going to destroy you, big time.

2.

M.C. - I heard you had a run-in with some unhappy Johns during some of your late-night work down by the Crazy Horse. Too bad - too bad they didn't finish things off, that is. Anyways, here's another photo I found of you in my archives. Thought your 'readers' would like to see the 'real you!' Ha ha! (Note: picture not included because identity of M.C. Vaseline must remain unknown to the opposition) Yours in desperate hope that the next attack does irreversible damage, "Dick" Struthers PS - If you need any crutches to hobble around on for a while, don't count on me. I like to know you're in pain.

More from "Dick," Q4, 2003

I haven't been able to write in a while. I've been thinking about that problem you were telling me about and so I've been mighty busy designing a multi-tool to detect and remove dingleberries from nostril hair. Personally, I'd recommend a change of habits instead of a technological fix but you can have it your way. I'm not a moralizer, just a lone ranger riding out on a horse into the star-spangled freakshow we call Mod Life, a freakshow that for the moment stars you.

Anyways, I can't find anyone willing to test it, so I'll be sending you a prototype soon. Let me get to the point. I can tell from the postings on your letters page that you need content. But I'm getting wise to you. That 'unhappy webmaster' who you've been tormenting on your website was right! I did a websearch and found my name listed on your page and it makes me sick to think that you're exploiting the hell out of me for your own personal gain.

I wouldn't say "I hate my friends," of course, but I would say "I hate some of my acquaintances," notably you, and that could get me in trouble sometime! I don't want some of my other acquaintances to think that I hate them and not you! You know, I've been working on a song. I thought you might like to see some of it. I don't have the melody worked out yet, but maybe one of your little toadies there could work on something to make it a hit. My inspiration was some Cosa Nostra (that's the Mafia, dummy!) songs from the Old Country that I stumbled across in a Mormon rummage sale recently.

Here's how it goes so far:

"Dick" Struthers . . .
Like Mount Kilimanjaro, the mysterious mountain. . .
Imagine : a catastrophic rain is falling, a devastating wind is blowing. . .
It can't touch you, you're unshakeable.
Your benedictions are truth, you are a human lie detector. . .

"Dick" Struthers - Kilimanjaro!
Late at night, a secret bird of prey speaks through you.
A bird of ancient knowledge. . .
Look out from your nest and cast light on what's hidden!
The ancient hunters have verified it, and wise men attest to it!
Like an ancient redwood. . .

Thanks to you, the voiceless have hope!
You write to entertain and reveal Vaseline's confusing plots!
A harbinger of happiness, promoting respect and honor.

"Dick" Struthers. The herald of mutual love and understanding. . .

Oh! "Dick" Struthers! Helping youth, youth in all its forms. . .
Giving the young a place of truth and affirmation . . .
Quiet down! The Kid has lots to say! A light in the darkness.
You cast Vaseline's darkness aside!
"Dick" Struthers! You are a lightning bolt of critique and self-reflection!

Your mission is clear: to protect and rejoice in victory.
A man of great knowledge, a redwood of a man . . .
The man of knowledge ! The defender of honesty and due process.

Oh ! "Dick" Struthers ! You are the call of happiness and the voice of respect!

"Dick" Struthers ! A man who can't be cast aside. . .
Send happiness to one and all, and bring suffering upon Vaseline!
Speak of the joy of the voiceless ! Speak truth to power ! Proudly defend those who seek your shelter!

"Dick" Struthers ! Show the path to happiness !
Fight against the trickster, the abuser!

"Dick" Struthers ! Like a bird of prey descending on Vaseline!
Vaseline and his descendants will be extinguished !
You broke Vaseline's sword -
"Kaw!" Your sentries discovered his witchcraft and destroyed his plots!

Oh! "Dick" Struthers!
Your death was planned, but like a Phoenix you ascended skyward!
Mystery. Kilimanjaro. Mysterious mountain.
The best.

Vaseline will perish or run like a coward!
You will vanquish ! You will sleep in peace;
you will spend your days in peace.

"Dick" Struthers!
You met Vaseline on the battlefield and you stripped him of his feeble weapons!
You have cleared away the dust that he casts in the eyes of the innocent!
You cast Vaseline's darkness aside!

"Dick" Struthers! Fight against the trickster, the abuser!
"Dick" Struthers ! Defender of honesty and due process!
Oh! "Dick" Struthers ! Like a bird of prey descending on Vaseline!
Oh ! "Dick" Struthers!

Yours in animosity, "Dick" Struthers

What have we here? More Struthers? We are are less surprised and more shocked and saddened. Received 9/03.

Vaseline: I always knew you to be a weak man. Why, those pictures I sent were nothing! I see more revolting things every day! And you know what, Vaseline? I have the guts to look at something that would be 'disgusting' or 'gross' to fools like you, and I laugh when I do it! I'm laughing at people like you, just so you know. Speaking of looking at disgusting things and laughing at them, I found a few photos in my files of you that showed up in ths Bizbee Arizona paper after your keynote speech at the pedophilia convention. I'm attaching them here, hopefully they won't be too 'gross' to publish. The poor nobodies that were caught in the lens with you got edited out for their own protection! Think about it!

Yours in utter contempt, "Dick" Struthers

Thank God -- Another Message Received from Dick Struthers, 8.03

Subject: You Abominable Whore Vaseline - The first problem with your editorial policy (such as it is) is that you don't include the subject lines of sent emails in your letters. There is an infinity of wisdom in the ways that people address you, that's obviously lost on you with your sad and rotting gray matter that barely deserves the name. But that's not why I'm writing you. I have a feeling to tell you about the seafood that can be had near a canal in Delft, Holland, but your little-minded amigos wouldn't understtand that. So I need to tell you what a twit you are for not printing my little essay with accompanying photos on the errors of French toilets. And if fact, I demand that you open the doors of 'the face' to democracy by allowing your readers to vote on whether or not they choose to read my essay - with the 'disgusting' photos that I think are quite beautiful - in your digital dungeon. If you are not receptive, you can, as Withnail Montague would put it, "stuff it up your ass for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it," and if you are receptive I shall think of an appropriate way to make my gratification clear to you and your degenerate readership.

"Dick" Struthers

Message Received from Dick Struthers, 8.03

Vaseline - I don't need to go into the details now, but I don't like what you've done with 'the Face.' It's a bad deal, you know. Shouldn't happen in a fair world. Reeks of half-truths, laziness and pinkeye. I'd erase it myself if I could but don't have the time to deal with small fry like you what with all the other things that are going on in the world - Berlioz's birthday, assessments of the impact of the SARS virus. Keeps me busy. Anyways, I've been promising you a little something that will 'pep things up a bit' at 'the Face,' so I'm sending something along that I think will add a touch of class to that electro-rag you spit up like a furball onto the internet every all-too-often. Remember, I'm watching you and my back is never turned. You can count on me to keep you in line. That's why I'm writing and you're writhing. Yours in full contempt, "Dick" Struthers P.S. Van Pelt's right on. You stack yourself up to me and anyone with their head screwed on right could tell you what a loser you are and what a winner I am. Ridgecrest should 'take a chill pill.' Think about it Vaseline. I'm watching you!!!

Received from "name withheld", 6.03

What is Raging Face, some kind of nut that takes pleasure in showing attractive successful people broken up by marriages that didn't work out through no fault of one's own? Next thing I know Raging Face will be dragging one and all through the slime and making a big joke about it. I have one word for you, put on a happy face and pray to the good lord Jesus.

Received from "Leather and/or Courtney", 3.03

Dearest TRF: Even Hemingway had an editor. Sometimes, the things we write seem funny to us, because we are making mental leaps and gyrations in our own mind that the reader (unfortunately) can not see. Other times we are blinded by the adulation of folks with a middling capacity for humor who say things like- "you are SO funny!" Usually these comments are accompanied by a heaving pair of breasts or a camel toe. Not that any of this applies to you.

Best, Leather

Received 1.28.03 from MDH

Long time reader, first time emailer. Is M.C. Vaseline retarded? Seriously. If so, it's refreshing to see that your website gives those goofy bastards a place to express their views.

Best Regards, MDH

Received from "Diamond Joe" Will Crissman 1.06.02

Hello, I am a friend and former lover of JHB and, not coincidentally, a recently converted televangelist. JHB informed me of the non-linear ramblings that would be and now is ragingface.com and I must admit, I'm duly impressed. Of course, JHB also impressed me when he let on that Illinois would be substituting Flursday for Tuesday in its work week and that melted chocolate chips make an effective contraceptive. But I've matured now, I've moved past the naivete and those halcyon days of semi-sweet love making and experimentation with chewing tobacco. Poor JHB, I think sometimes, all alone in that foreign country with no connection to the world and no idea what is happening in his homeland while he is bettering the lives of little children whose most recent hope was to qualify for the Red Army youth hockey camp by age 4. I mean, travelling is great, don't get me wrong. I just came back from Canada and I had so many amusing experiences. For example, I never knew they had such a dirty sense of humor. I knew you could get high quality porn that isn't sold in the US, stuff like, Chicks and Chainsaws or Tits Illustrated, but I didn't know they were so publicly dirty. They have signs for "Pneus" all over the place and on every exit door it says "Poussez." Those Canadians sure are funny, but they can't spell for shit. I mean, does JHB even know about the Canada/Mexico swap? Has anybody told him about the transcontinental flush, blow job Mondays or that underwear on the outside is in? He's going to be really lost when he gets back. A lot's changed. If see that JHB's been able to correspond with his brother and others through your website and it would be an honor for me to pass on some valuable information to him.

Many thanks and continued success,

Diamond Joe Will Crissman

Received from "Dick" Struthers 12.20.02

M.C. Vaseline - I got a little behind (ha, ha!) on my shopping, but I still sent you a little something for the holidays. I hope you got it. I hear they taste great, but you would know better than me. All the worst, "Dick" Struthers P.S. Just in case you're too stupid to follow the links, I attached your little something to this email. If you're too stupid to open attachments, you don't deserve any goddam presents, and you can have a one-way ticket to Hell for the holidays. Come to think of it, consider that my wish for the New Year.

Received from "Dick" Struthers 12.20.02: M.C. Vaseline

I was looking through some old files, and look what I found! An old picture of you, doing what you do best - feasting on a nasty turd! I had to look twice myself, but it's as clear as day! There you are, stuffing a grubby crap into your greedy fat little mouth, eyes glassy from the platefuls you've already stuffed down your gullet. This is the best gift anyone could ever have given me - don't you take any credit, though, you backstabbing wrongheaded simalacrum of humanity, since I'm the one who found it! Triumphantly yours, and hoping the earth is cleansed of your presence before the New Year, "Dick" Struthers P.S. If your rodential little windup brain can master the technology, you ought to put these things I'm sending you on your pathetic website. They would make it considerably more interesting than it is now. Of course, it's unlikely that you can manage anythingmore complex than giving yourself a paper cut.