Editor's Note: Our intrepid investigative reporter, Ass Firefox, submitted this report on the rampant steroid use among professional bodybuilders.

As many long-time readers are aware, Firefox conducts 100% of his investigations without leaving his house, speaking with anyone or doing any research of any kind. He simply thinks about his subject, imagines data, draws conclusions and then writes up his findings.

I was sitting on my couch, eating baby carrots, thinking about the amount of steroids probably used by these cartoonish, fried-hair, too-tan-times-infinity idiots. I was looking at this one picture of this body-builder girl, thinking that it was so weird that her breasts were hard like rocks and her hair looked like she had stuck it in an EZ-Bake oven. So I said to myself, "I'll bet she uses steroids."

I haven't tried to confirm that, but I certainly haven't thought of any reason it's not true, either. I mean, look at those muscles. Those just aren't natural, even on a man, much less on a woman. What's next, body-building children?

So then I was like, "I bet body-building children even use steroids." I mean, of course they probably do, right? And it makes sense, if you think about it--their parents are probably body-building retards also, and probably using steroids, so the kids probably have access.

Also, why would you want to be a body-builder? What are you building it for? I mean, I can see building a house, so you can live in it and maybe sell it one day and make a profit. But you can't sell your body, or at least you're not supposed to, so that whole line of reasoning won't work with bodybuilding. And so you're big and strong? Who cares? I couldn't find an answer to this question either, though, of course, I didn't try.

I imagine that something like 85% of all body builders use some form of steroids, alcohol or Aspirin. Probably closer to 88%. And I also bet that 73% of those people inject steroids into their eyes. Do they have other kinds of steroids that you don't have to inject? I'm thinking probably yes. So they take pills. Can you smoke steroids? Probably. That's what cigarettes are.

Barry Bonds is such a good baseball player, he's probably on steroids, too. Again, all you really have to do is think about it. Would he be breaking Babe Ruth's/Hank Aaron' records without steroids? Maybe. He's just that good. But I'll bet he's on steroids.

First, we have to define our terms. What are steroids? They are drugs. They are legal in certain parts of the world. Steroids can include cold medicine, marijuana or refried beans. That's the problem with a lot of the Latin players--they eat burritos and food like that and are constantly jacked. American players don't enjoy that advantage, unless they live in some place like San Diego or L.A. where the Mexican food is actually pretty goddamn good.

So now that we have the definition of steroids, we can return to the analysis. Yes, Barry Bonds might use steroids. And, yes, Major League Baseball has an unwritten rule that all players must use steroids twice each day. Actually, it's written down, in the policy book, I think at page 572. If I remember correctly, it's rule 32.

Anyways, I think I heard about this one player contract where the player had to, like, take 100 pounds of steroids or forfeit a billion dollars. A billion dollars! If we were talking about that kind of money in my case, I'd be eating steroids like they were jelly beans. Query: Can you eat steroids? Not sure.

And what's the big deal with steroids anyway? Who cares? Do parents really give a shit what their kids do? The answer, perhaps surprisingly, is no, at least according to a poll I'm imagining. In that poll, 99% of parents answered "Don't give a fuck" when asked, "If your son were on steroids, would you give a fuck?" I think the reason for this is that they live in America, and in America, you can do what you want, thank you very much, and this isn't some kind of third world hell-hole where some military guy in a chemical suit can walk around and demand that you and your children do or do not take performing enhancing drugs. If you're looking for that kind of situation, go to Rwanda or something, but stay out of our backyard. That's what the poll said--if it makes you unhappy, why don't you get off your lazy ass and do something about it?

It's too bad about the hockey season -- goddamn steroids. If it hadn't been for all of these players shooting up in McDonald's parking lots and shooting themselves up with horse hormones, those large-assed French Canadians would be skating around as we speak. One word of advice to hockey -- use a ball.