in search of the absurd: fiction & nonfiction
You Might Be A Hillbilly If -- by Michael Fowler
(9/11/2004)
You Might be a Hillbilly if…
But You Might or Might Not be a Hillbilly if…
- You’re twenty-five and still working on your MBA;
- You tattoo your children’s names on their arms with a needle charred over a candle flame;
- Your health insurance doesn’t cover pre-existing conditions;
- The last time you fought with your sister, you stabbed her;
- You clean your own pool;
- You pull your pregnant wife off the John Deere and punch her senseless whenever you have a 12-pack;
- The farthest you’ve been from home is Italy.
- You think Ken Lay is innocent.
- You torture animals to impress your girlfriend.
You allow your server to pour the wine before you taste it. - You killed a classmate in kindergarten and another in grade school.
- You donated less than $10,000 to your alma mater last year.
- You can’t see a cross without reaching for your lighter.
- You do your own taxes.
But You Might or Might Not be a Hillbilly if…
- You study for the LSAT by an Elvis-head lamp.
- Your yard sale features fine furs and diamonds.
- You decorate your Lexus with Confederate flags.
- You chew tobacco while hearing confessions.
- Your nickname at the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study is ‘White Lightning.’
- You sell insurance at Ozzfest.
- You come home from your financial sector job covered in coal dust.
- Your Ph.D. thesis is picked up by the *Banjo Newsletter.*
- You can say ‘Yee Haw!’ in five languages.
