Welcome! We need to speak to you! We in the Dutch Department of Immigration and Naturalization are glad you have decided to immigrate to Holland . Take a seat, doff your kufi and fear not for your culture. Holland is a parliamentary democracy known for its liberal freedoms, and the Dutch people value the diversity that all aliens bring with them, especially Muslims with their strong religious beliefs. We definitely respect your religion here, as you will see.

All we ask you to do is take a short quiz to determine if it really is in your best interest to live among the Dutch. Scoring is simple: If you get every question right, then you definitely belong here, and we will do everything we can to make your assimilation into our society a pleasant one. But if you get even one answer wrong, we're afraid that you are not ready to live in the beautiful and peaceful country of Holland just yet, and you must wait at least a year to try to immigrate here again. You will also be repatriated within twenty (20) minutes, so don't go anywhere.

Here are the questions you need to answer:

1) You are walking downtown in one of our quaint Dutch towns and you see a lot of nearly naked men holding hands and kissing in a parade of proud, boastful gays. Your reaction is to:

a. Burn the Dutch flag.

b. Fire an AK-47 into the air.

c. Go back home and burn the Dutch embassy.

d. Raise your fist in solidarity with the strange men.

Scoring: If your answer is anything other than d., you probably are not ready to live in Holland , a land of great sexual liberty and promiscuity. Bring up your test paper now and you will be escorted back to the boat with a safe pass provided by this department.

2) Still with us? Good! Here's another question for you: You are strolling along the beach and see some women bathing topless. Your response is to:

a. Force the women at gunpoint to don burqas.

b. Put out the eyes of any children around you so that these innocents won't be exposed to such decadence.

c. Plunge in the water yourself for a nude dip.

d. Plunge a knife into the heart of the lifeguard for allowing this shameless depravity.

Scoring: If you answered anything other than c., you might want to immigrate to some other country than Holland , a land of thriving nudists and fun-loving epicureans. Instead you might want to consider a more strait-laced country like France . (Even though French officials may at times seem to refer to people like you as 'scum,' they mean no harm.) Please hand in your test paper at this time and have a seat. You will be handled shortly.

3) Glad you're still with us! That's great! Here's one more for you to ponder: In a Dutch movie house you see a film that is critical of the treatment of women in Islamic society. After you leave the theater, you:

a. Come back at night with gasoline and matches and burn the theater down.

b. Tell friends the movie isn't as good as *Brokeback Mountain.*

c. Look up the film's director and assassinate him while shouting 'Allah Akbar!'

d. Go home and beat your five wives, including your most recent, the twelve-year-old restrained in the attic, until each wife swears to you that she is happy.

Scoring: If you response was not b., you are too jumpy to confront Holland's assertive, sexy, emancipated women, many of whom hold university degrees, initiate sex and curse like sailors. It is in the best interest of everyone concerned that you do not even get close to these lusty females. Turn in your test paper now, and better luck next time.

4) It's terrific you're still hanging on! So far the signs are that you're right for Holland ! Here's another one to be sure: In a Dutch newspaper you see a cartoon caricaturing the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). You put the paper aside, and then you:

a. Say aloud, 'Where am I, Denmark ?'

b. Offer a million dollars and a brand new Porsche to anyone who kills the cartoonist.

c. Call your Taliban nephew Raoul in Pakistan and instruct him to torch the Dutch embassy there.

d. Inform the Dutch officials they are insensitive to Muslims, and offer to show them how to be more sensitive, or risk being beheaded.

Scoring: If your answer wasn't a., we're afraid it's a no-go this time around, though it was close. We will now help you return to your native country and hope you will consider immigrating to Holland once you have made up your mind that it is really the right country for you. What with all the sacrilegious drawings on display in our secular and blasphemous society, you really need to give it some more thought, don't you think?

5) Wow, you're almost in! This is the final question, and if you've made it this far, you're almost certain to gain admittance now. What's more, no Dutchman in our country would mind having you as a neighbor. Here's the last: Pretend that you have been studying in Holland on a student visa for four years and are now ready to graduate college with a degree in the humanities. As a Muslim from the Middle East you stand out a bit from all the blond atheists and heavy drinkers in your class, and you are a bit of a loner, but you'd like to show how you feel about the country that has been a home and an educator to you. After your graduation ceremony, you:

a. Rent an SUV and drive it into a crowd of your fellow graduates, running down as many as you can.

b. E-mail death threats to the president of your university.

c. Rape a Christian girl.

d. Resign yourself to using a dating service and working at the Amsterdam McDonald's.

Scoring: Of course d. is correct, and we're sorry if at this point you goofed and must now be deported. You must be really disappointed if that is the case, and all we can say is, we're very sorry, try us again later on. But if you answered d., then you are almost certainly one of those 'moderate' Muslims who will feel comfortable in our country and who won't go crazy and kill, burn, rape, or drive on people. Bear in mind, however, that our law requires you to take this test again each year you live here, or we'll come looking for you and ship you right back to the repressive regime you came from.

Meanwhile, congratulations and welcome to carefree, licentious Holland !