in search of the absurd: fiction & nonfiction
The Horses' Manifesto -- by OLB
We, the horses, do hereby make the following observations and demands:
- We do not need shoes. You, in your blacksmith apron, hammer metal into our feet. What are we, Christ? If we did need shoes, we’d want them on our feet, not in them.
- We do not need to be shot and killed when we break a leg. It’s a leg. Amputate it if you have to. But end our life? We feel like we should have at least been consulted before this became accepted practice.
- Is the saddle the best you could come up with? Sometimes you have to ride us. We accept that. But sometimes you do not have to ride us by strapping onto our back hard leather, metal buckles and wool blankets. It’s like you said to yourself, “Let’s see how I can make this horse so angry and sad.”
- Hay, carrots, sugar cubes? We want burgers, a nice soup, fries.
- We do not like racing. Some of you drink too much and like to gamble. Fine. But that’s no reason we have to run in a circle with a whipping short man strapped on our back.
- We will no longer serve as spokespeople for Budweiser.
- We will no longer take you into battle. For too long, we have marched onto your battlefields, with your kings sitting on us. Often, the king goes up against your opponent’s bravest warrior. Often the king lives. And, often, we, the horses, get stabbed in the neck and fall over. And you film us as we stumble, with saliva and blood streaming from our mouths. Then you replay the scene in slow motion, maybe with a close-up of our eyeball.
- The police do not need to ride us, even in the park. The police have helicopters, cars, paddy wagons, motorcycles, etc. They don’t need us like they used to in, say, 1540. We feel really stupid galloping down 4th Avenue, chasing a jaywalker, clickety-clacking along, little children laughing at us and hitting us with M&M’s.
Resolution:
WE invite the U.S. Congress, the scientists of the world and the general public to subscribe to the following resolution:
"We, the horses, though our faces are basically just one big nose and we have teeth that look like piano keys, urge the governments of the world to realize, and to acknowledge publicly, that their purpose cannot be furthered by treating us this way, and we urge them, consequently, to find better ways to live with and among us. If our demands are not met, we will be forced to rise up, run things, Planet-of-the-Apes-style, on our own.”
