Those who dare to venture into the heartland of Southwestern Ontario, braving the many roguish highwaymen, the castle-sized barricades of garbage and offal, and the vicious might of feral squirrels, will find themselves in "the other London" that bears no likeness to the city of Big Ben, the tube, or the palsied waving of some old lady with a lot of bling on her head.
Geography and Demographics
London is a fiefdom in southwestern Ontario bordered on the south by White Oaks / Black Malls, on the north by ThereBeDragonsville, on the east by The Kingdom of Toronto, and on the west by Cyborgian Sarnia II (formerly "Byron" - named not after the poet, but the popular 1970s drink and flirtation maneuver). London, technically known as "New London", and therefore a skeuomorph, randomly assigned its street names after the original London, but this was done purely at random and as a means of assuaging neurotic, homesick limey Huguenots that were trying to reconcile this with their clinical condition of "roughing it in the tearoom" (first identified by Susannah Moodie).
London is split into three distinct ethnic sections: the north is populated primarily by staunch, arch conservative super-suburban zombie hordes that can usually be seen shambling about its many malls. In the east are the Dickensians and Tom Waits song subjects that frequent its many methadone clinics and overabundance of pawn shops (London has the highest rate per capita of pawn shops, Money Marts, and call centres in all of Canada). The rest of London is dominated by the mouth-breathing pickup-driving gay-bashing new country music afficionados who perform egg-tossing rituals and attend "family value" festivals run by the Polite NeoCon Trust. The Thames River is in actual fact a narrow canal for the transport of illegal mojo beans and a vital part of London's septic system.
London was also known as "The Forest City" until reckless urban sprawl and a plague of ash bore weevils made concerted work of many of its trees. London currently goes under the name of "Annex City" after former mayor Hester Fotherington was struck by a rare case of Napoleonitis, thereby resulting in the violent annexation of several rural towns. In an effort to reclaim the moniker of The Forest City, a local artist made several metal sculptures of neon-coloured trees that were placed in the arid and defunct downtown core. These were chopped down by a reclusive bearded activist by the name of Weebo and used to create the world's ugliest log cabin - tourist destination (co-sponsored by Nickelodeon).
History
London Ontario was allegedly founded in 1794 by the notorious "Beef Baron" (after which a combination steak & strip parlour was named, now a heritage site declared in 1984 by then-mayor Greg Curnoe's Ghost). Reports that London was actually founded by a very drunk Lord Simcoe, on a drunken dare when his canoe made an accidental turn into the bog now known as the Thames River, have been greatly exaggerated by the former mayor of London, Don Concreto (a mafia-connected gorilla-pitfighting enthusiast and armadillo-breeder who has since been internationally hailed for his invention of the "over-underpass" and the non-portable doorstop).
Politics
Currently, the rulership of London, Ontario is headed by the news journalist dodging "Madame Bouffant". Under her are a select number of quasi-aristocratic nobles that form her "inner council". Elections are held every garbage day, which in London occurs once every lunar eclipse. In actual fact, London is secretly ruled by shadow emperor, Dmitri Grimm, who is known for his Napoleonic charm and peculiar petard.
Economy
London's principal export is obnoxious call centre telephone harassment (56%) followed by country karoake bars & equipment (24%) and Ash-bore weevils. Its imports are generally bypassed.
Religion
London is dominantly Levitican, an obscure branch of Christianity that abides by the the reading of Leviticus, which accounts for the eating of locusts (a major delicacy in the region which is honoured with a locust festival every August).
Media
London has one newspaper, The London Tattler. More than 75% of its material is syndicated, and it is run by editor-in-chief, Patrick Bubba, son of famous Canadian author Paul Bubba who wrote several novels based on the beaver pelt trade. London has one public access television channel, L-Chan, with programming that includes local coverage of "extreme sidewalk bicycling" and gratuitous reruns of Happy Days.
Law Enforcement
Police officers in London are picked via a lottery system on a roving week by week basis. After a grueling 20 minutes of training, they are attired with the standard London Police uniform: teal pants with matching fuschia blouse. Standard equipment includes: a whistle, a squirrel cannon, and a nasty looking stick. Crime in London is kept at a minimum through the successful strategy of simply ignoring it in the hopes that it will stop.
Notable Londoners
- Baron von Wigglebottom (1941- ): surly essayist and Cameroons speculator. Founder of "ornerism", a philosophical way of life dedicated to the souring of all convivial relations.
- Lars Tinkle (1951 - 1993): game show host for the ill-fated "Hit the Lights!" in the mid-80s. Died from a freak mass squirrel attack in Victoria Park.
- "Sniffles the Pig" (1974-1977): in actual fact, an obese ferret with severe chromosomal damage, "Sniffles" began his career as London's official town mascot before making appearances in semi-popular children's programs, "The Tartan Print Door", "Esperanto Whoa!" and one snuff film, "Peter Porky and the Zombie-Maker".
- Kzzj-Ghgh (1967 - ): internationally tolerated conceptual artist of the Potentialist School, s/he is noted for exhibits in empty gallery spaces talking about all the great works s/he could potentially paint.
- Werner Veblen (1970 - ): hollow earth theorist and vigorous anti-Semitic holocaust denier. Hosts a popular backyard BBQ radio show, "Cookin' with Gas".
Fast Facts
- London had its first running toilet and traffic light concurrently in 1975 which was a dual-use mechanism.
- London is the secret summer home of Ann Coulter and Maestro Fresh-Wes
- London's university, The University of Western Ontario, has successfully copyrighted the shade of purple that represents its school colour.
- London's transportation system is the first to run on the Mayan calendar.
- London is currently developing the world's first edible beach umbrella and robotic alpaca.