How are you, Good Sir? Things are a bit tense here in Tehran, let me tell you. What with Hamas demanding money and Iranian women wanting to attend soccer games, it’s all I can do to find time for my morning workouts. I understand that you also, Most Noble Leader, exercise aerobically with your iPod set to the southern-style music of Van Morrison. How similar we are! I prefer the tunes of Pearl Jam, but still we are of one mind regarding physical fitness. By the way, did you see Vedder & Co’s new video showing the band performing on a Persian rug? Permit me a smile, Oh Great Leader of the West, but America’s youth are turning to the East. Rock on, Eddie!

I enjoyed reading on Al Jazeera the other day that your favorite day of democratic rule was reeling in a 7.5 kilo perch on your private fishing reservoir in Texas. I believe it was on that trip that His Holiness the Right Honorable Vice President Cheney snared Imam Karl Rove through the cheek with a baited hook, no? Must have been painful for a pasty boy like Karl, but the hard old bird that is Cheney could only have shrugged and gone on casting his line and believing in the Holocaust.

Anyway I was reminded of the time I was snorkeling in the Persian (not Arabian, please!) Gulf and came up with a 9.5 kilo shark in my bare hands! Yes, that makes your catch a bit puny by comparison, doesn’t it, Most Excellent One? And G-d willing I will always catch bigger fish than you, Sir President.

Right now I’m in downtown Tehran sitting inside the Kentucky-style restaurant of Colonel Sanders (peace be upon him). I’ve been sharing a bucket of chicken with my boss the Ayatollah, but lunch is now over and I must at once go back to the office to refine uranium, as this is my hobby that takes up all my spare time. The Ayatollah too must attend to his holy atomic duties, and in preparation for these delicate ministrations is cleansing his hands of chicken grease with a KFC towelette. So this is so long for now. Say hey to Howard and Nancy for me, and give my respects to the mighty Lord Rumsfeld, and oh yes also to Ehud when he comes to call.

Your Pal,
The 12th Imam,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

P.S. Since we have become bosom pen pals, I enclose some snapshots from my recent speaking engagement at the UN. If you notice closely, you can see me enveloped in a pink cloud in one of them. What a great time!