•  Wake up very early, around 5am when you are too bleary-eyed to comprehend your actions properly or consider the ethical treatment of animals. Make sure little Ion and Flora are asleep-they may have developed emotional attachments for the pig marked for the slaughter.

•  Gather the fellow men villagers. Someone should bring a bottle of strong palinca. Engage in light pastoral chatter about broken farming equipment, how hard it is to make a living, or weevils that have ravaged the potato crop this year.

•  Walk around the pig a few times. Pet the pig to allay its grim and inevitable feeling that this is its last day at the trough.

•  Four strong men must subdue the pig. They are heavy and squeal something awful. There's nothing more difficult than to subdue an animal weighing in excess of 250lbs that is fighting for its life unless you are trying to unseat a Republican from the senate.

•  With a long and sharp implement, stab the pig in the heart. It will bleed like a stuck pig for indeed that is what it is. This is the quickest way to kill a pig; any other method will only prolong its agony and the sound of a dying pig is a bit traumatic for human ears no matter how your burly self has steeled itself. Congratulations: you are now a pig-killer.

•  At this point, everyone is a bit shaken in having killed a pig even if everyone present is too manly to admit it. Everyone should have a hard shot of palinca in honour of the pig's soul as it oinks its way to Swine Heaven.

•  Now the fun really begins. Spread hay on the pig's body and light it on fire to remove most of its hair. Then, with a knife, shave all the vellum. They say that no one has really lived until one has shaved a dead, bleeding, stinking pig. Don't worry about nicks. Turn the pig on its back and slit it knave to the chops. Remove the guts. Have another shot since this operation didn't smell so bad when it was still in the more abstract planning stages.

•  Remand care of the intestines to the womenfolk. They will go to the furthest place in the garden and meticulously wash the intestines. The stink is something awful because intestines are where we process the poop. These need to be clean for the sausages.

•  Drain the blood of the pig. You should get about four litres. This will be boiled down to a kind of gooey paste-pudding for later.

•  Separate the guts into categories. Skin and section the pig into parts. Have another shot. Trim the fat and fry it. Make bacon and pork chops. Use the brain for soup. The bones will be useful for making crude musical instruments or as conveniently barbaric drinking vessels.