Lord High Chancellor Schwarzenegger
State Capitol
P.O. Box 942849
Sacramento, CA 94249
Re: Everything you need to know to be Governor, You learned in Kindergarten Cop

Dear Lord High Chancellor (or other title of which I am not aware):

Wow. I am surprised you won, because I come from the east coast of the United States of America. Actually, I'm more disturbed than surprised. Here's how I understand it: Darrell Issa, a rich car alarm sales man turned state representative, threw all of his money at removing Gray Davis, and you executed him or had him otherwise removed from the picture.

Throughout your campaign it seems like you drew on your relevant experience as an actor. You used brilliant quotes from your tough-guys movies. For instance, you said you were going to "terminate" Gray Davis; you said you'll be "the Collectionator" as you try to get more money from the Feds; you mentioned that California tax increases are "the androids that I fight in the 'Terminator' movies, which I keep shooting dead, but keep coming back to life." Did you fight androids?

As you take on the day-to-day tasks of ruling the earth, I'm going to suggest that you switch gears and, instead of using material from your violent movies, look toward your role in Kindergarten Cop. Sure, you'll lose some of the young-male vote, but you'll warm the hearts of moms, who remember you best as John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop (or maybe Julius Benedict in Twins). Maybe you haven't read the great book by Robert Fulghum called Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. Your angular wife has, though, and I'll bet she has spent hours chewing on the meaty philosophical morsels that book offers. Ask her. Anyway, here are a few tips from that fine volume:

Don't hit people. Now that you are governor you shouldn't run around "Terminating" this and that. Hands to self, please. You're a role model. Unless you want children returning from the future and blowing away cars/houses, please act in a fashion appropriate to your position.

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Your apology to the women you groped was a great first step. As you made us remember, boys will be boys, and that's ok, as long as the boys are contrite later on. Your wife showed through her strength that she is a saint, a rock, a person whose heart is made of nails, like her skin/facial structure. Kudos to you for making her feel so good once again.

Share everything. Except other people's women.

Play fair. Was it really fair to steal the show from Darrell Issa? He paid for everything. Shouldn't he get to play?

Wash your hands before you eat. Especially as you have a tendency to play the role of Cop-a-feel-erator. Who knows where your grubby paws have been?

Put things back where you find them. Maybe while you're driving around all the uncharted wilderness of California in your Hummer, you could figure out a way to put back the natural resources that are being destroyed to produce the gasoline that powers your 10 mile per gallon macho machine. Or not. Just don't kill us. At least not with your Hummer.

Clean up your own mess. As far as we know, there's no illegal-immigrant gardener who's going to come around and fix things up after you eliminate taxes and Jews in the state.

Don't take things that aren't yours. Kind of like the governor's office. Does that job really belong to you? Or does it belong to the fictional character you "played" while campaigning? Do you really have an accent?

Flush. Flush your mouth out with soap after the lewd comments you made to those women, and after all of the lies you told about group sex, knocking chimneys over to get a "bricklaying job," drugs, your Nazi past, etc.. Lying isn't allowed in kindergarten.

Live a balanced life. In discussing your life you said: "It's a big play. You've got to be able to step back, and then you can see the entire picture, then you can balance much better, you can play around with it much better." Just remember that you can't just call out "cut" and re-shoot a scene in real life as Lord High Chancellor, especially when that scene involves the death of another human. Unless you institute some really big changes at the statehouse, death is forever, probably.

Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday some. Like your boyfriend President Bush, you should take a nap every afternoon so your brain and feet don't explode.

Warm cookies and milk are good for you. This is not a sexual suggestion. But don't eat too much! Who wants a svelte Lord High Chancellor?

Be aware of wonder. You may be wondering how the government actually works. Use that. Just keep your mouth open a lot, and look at the sky and smile.

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. If you don't water us, we will die. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all die. So do we. Even the Terminator will die.

Thank you for your time and we look so forward to working with you. Until then, we remain, as ever, your humble servant,

Alison Devine

CC: Ivan Reitman
James Cameron