England. What a "magical" place. A wrinkly Queen, big red buses, Scotch for breakfast. Hobbits everywhere. Carry on, mate.

Or don't. We don't care anymore, now that you're not taxing us or making us drive our lorries on the left.

We noticed something recently about this "England" place that made it feel weird. It seems that Kate Moss, legendary underwear model without flesh, was “recently” (i.e., sometime this year, probably) linked with an English crack-addict musician named Pete Doherty. http://www.aversion.com/news/news_article.cfm?news_id=5468. This says something about England and the English as a people, don't you think? We do. That's why we're writing this article.

Pete Doherty? Kate Moss? Why not. After all, she, fabulously beautiful underwear model. He, junkie on variety of junk.

What is this place? How much for a passport? I can play cricket. Wear a fur hat. Graduate from Oxford. Whatever. Is that good enough?

Look at this guy. Is that even a human being? Nice hair. Somebody please call Ridley Scott. Nice cross or key or whatever around his neck. I’m sure the Archbishop of Canterbury is proud of that. And his breast/stomach set up looks like the face of some villain on Star Trek: Next Generation. I've seen lighting like that in the room he's in--in the insane asylums where I spent my youth.

 

 

Now, look at this:

 

 

One more time:

 

And:

 

 

And then if you combined them, like in one of those photo machines at the mall where you and a friend/lover can take pictures of yourselves and see what your offspring might look like, you'd get this:

 

 

We aren’t angry. We’re just sad. Because we sit here in our bungalow in the freezing cold drinking bourbon and eating chilly, wet ham and there’s this heroin addict who runs around with one of the most beautiful women on earth and he can’t stay in rehab and can’t even do any pushups. Where’s the justice? Where’s the outrage? Where’s the Queen of England on this one?

Anyways, we’re headed over there, to see if we can’t get some attention or something. If they like his music and drug use, they may like our writing. Can we get a few dollars/pounds for a ticket? Cheers.