Do not expect me to give you change if:

• There's an even a chance you can live another day without my help.



• I am in contact with the ground or on an elevator.



• I am eating pizza.
  
  
• I am in my car listening to my favorite cassette of REO hits.



• You are more intoxicated/stoned than I am.



• There is a gang, i.e., more than one, of you.



• Your line is worn out, e.g., you have run out of gas on your way to Iraq, or you need bus fare to get to NASA.



• You are young and well-groomed and are using a folded twenty to floss your teeth.



• You are smoking a premium brand of marijuana.



• You say sarcastically, ‘Hey, it’s Thanksgiving.’



• You say, ‘Can I get a coffee and a new car?’ because I have these.



• You call me ‘my man’ and insist on slapping my hand eight or nine times.



• You are training your kids to panhandle by practicing on me.



• I just got fired or sued.

But I might give you ‘change’ if:

• You have something to give me in return, e.g., a newsletter on behalf of the homeless, or a packet of cocaine.



• You have showered this season.



• You are playing a musical instrument or doing tricks with your face.



• You eliminate surprise by appearing in the same place each day, and you always wear the same expression.



• You have a fresh line, e.g., ‘I need money to get my dog our of hock,’ or ‘If I don’t donate to the Democrats today, my wife will leave me.’
  
  
• You are literally dying of starvation, and I can feel your ribs protruding.



• You glow with promise and optimism and have a gun.



• You just gave your last cigarette to me.



• You make me laugh by punching my co-worker in the gut.



• You are willing to chase a rolling quarter down the sidewalk.



• You are prepared to remove chewing gum from the sole of my shoe with your fingers, or clean my windshield with your sleeve.
  
 

• You are a celebrity down on his/her luck.



• You are carrying oars or a suitcase with a TV set in it.



• I just got a raise.

I hope this helps and that you’re not arrested.