We don't really need it, do we? But you do, don't you? We didn't look up the statistics, but the numbers are probably startling: I'll bet it's like 100% of Americans who now have plastic surgery at least three times in their lives. The most common kind of cosmetic surgery? Again, we're not totally sure, since we haven't done the research, but here's the breakdown: 75% nosejobs; 14% tummy tucks; 3% removal of extra fat around chin; 8% miscellaneous. Frightening--right?

Wrong. The problem isn't that too many people get too much medical attention to make themselves more attractive. The problem, instead, is that we Americans don't go under the knife more often. We are an ugly, mal-formed collection of misfits-- uglier than others. We're mutts, half-breeds, wretched refuse. We're also kind of dirty, when you think about it. Sure, you might think the French smell or the Spanish don't brush their teeth. But Americans eat greasy food and too much pizza and they always have that kind of too-fat look about them. So there's a reason for all the plastic surgery.

I mean, why not take control of your looks? No one complains when you get a haircut or take a shower or throw on some deodorant. But take 12 inches off your waist in half an hour with a few deep cuts and suddenly you're Al Capone or something, Public Enemy No.1. Well, forget what those people around the water cooler will say when you come in with an aquiline nose where you used to have a pock-marked marshmallow in the middle of your face-- you've taken control of your body, your destiny, and God will smile on you.

Anyways, enjoy. We're off to have our face scrubbed.

Until then, we remain, as ever, your humble servant,

The Raging Face