Today, after I closed an internet sale of used Spanish Fly to a 14 year old girl, I raped and killed an old dog. I thought to myself, as I walked home, "Jesus, I should really be writing this stuff down. I mean, Jesus! People will eat this shit up!" I'm not much of a writer, but the stories I've got just kill, all on their own.

Take my career, spamming. People gotta want to know how it is to be a spammer. They see this shit in their inboxes all day, and, sure it pisses them off, but they gotta be fascinated by the stories of the guys behind the curtain. Think about it: you can't just go out and sell someone a penis enlarger, because (a) they won't buy it and (2) they are probably embarrassed. But sucker them in with a catchy e-mail like "QR2.rfs@eatit.:org.net" with a subject line of "She!!l think your cock is a log!" and you can take that idiot's money to the bank.

Here's a typical example. Last Thursday, I got a call from Mort over at AdultMaxSexxx in San Diego. "Sell. This. Pocket. Pussy." That's all he said. Four words. But that's all I need. What's that thing they say about guys who can sell anything? They could sell snow to an Eskimo? Well, I can sell shat-on snow to that same dumbass Eskimo you just sold that snow to, motherfucker, so why don't you go brag to someone else besides me about your prowess.

So, anyways, I take that pocket pussy and launch a pitch into the ether. The hook was genius. "HERE'S A WAY TO FIND A PUSSY WHEN YOUR OLD LADY'S OUT OF TOWN!!" I sent it from my favorite address, "Professor@harvardyale.com". That always gets these hoity-toity assholes, you know the guys who ride around on Mercedes Benz motorcycles or some crap like that. Well, I got news for you, all you upper-crusty bastards: I can sell pocket pussies to anyone, including you. You don't think so? Well, that Dell computer you think you just bought came from me and take a look inside--it's FILLED with pocket pussies.

Let me tell you, I get about 1% response rate on 20 trillion emails. That equals almost . . . well, I don't know, you do the math, but it's still pretty big, a lot of pretty good return. Of that 1% response rate, maybe 100 people buy it. I can't tell for sure, but most of the people seem to come from poor neighborhoods in New Orleans and Jacksonville. That's funny, kind of, but I don't really know why. I'll stand to make maybe $100,000 on this one product alone. Of course (1) it doesn't work and (b) I never send it, no matter what. It keeps my suppliers happy -- I pass on their take and never ask them to send any product. And those poor jackasses who ordered the thing can just TRY to track me down during "office hours" in my "fancy wood-paneled office" at the "harvardyale.com" campus, which is located deep inside of my ass.

See you on the 'net, bitches.