in search of the absurd: fiction & nonfiction
Strange Beliefs -- by Michael Fowler
At an outdoor Santana concert, the guitarist’s expert playing and the loving vibe among the concertgoers filled the air. After his first set a blissful Carlos announced that the ‘angels and the UFO’s’ were co-writing some new songs with him. ‘Yeah!’ said one guy on the crowded lawn, as he lay entwined with his lovely, ash blonde lady. ‘Carlos is getting down with the angels and the UFO’s!’ His beautiful partner went even further, saying she believed we are winning in Iraq.
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Professor Costas Efthimiou of Central Florida University has calculated that, if there was only a single vampire among 537 million humans in the year 1600, and if the vampire sucked the blood of just one human each month, turning the victim into a similar blood-sucking vampire, then all humans would have disappeared early on in 1602. Yet people still cling to the idea that there are vampires among us, as if there could be an ‘us.’ Just as odd, if not odder, is the fact that people think Iran wants nuclear energy to make electricity.
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A number of rangers and battlefield guides at the Gettysburg National Military Park swear that the spirits of the Union and Confederate soldiers who fought there in July 1863 still occupy the field. Park employees say that on any given night the invisible soldiers can be heard making battle plans, and electronic devices laid out over the land actually record their voices. Stranger still--and these are their own words--a few rangers and guides are convinced that Jews control American foreign policy.
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Every since the movie *The Exorcist* came out, there has been an upsurge in demonic possessions, with many people claiming that an evil spirit has at one time or another occupied their body. A number of these same people--and this is no overstatement--maintain that tax cuts for the rich will benefit the middle class.
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To this day in Salem, Massachusetts, scene of the witch trials of 1692 and site of the birth house of author Nathaniel Hawthorne (whose relative John Hathorne was a judge in the trials), there are those who will tell you that there are practicing witches in town, and that they even know a few. But this is nothing compared to what some others in the area have asserted--and there is no mistaking their seriousness--namely, that marijuana should be legalized.
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The Smyth family has resided for years in a 112-year-old Victorian house on a hill in upper Vermont, and every Halloween eve has noticed a headless family of five standing in their front window. The Smyths have told all their friends and neighbors about the holiday apparition, with the result that quite a few onlookers arrive at the Smyth home each year, expecting a shock. In addition to spreading the word about her unusual housemates, Kathy, the eldest of the Smyth daughters, also holds that same sex couples should have a right to marry.
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‘They tell some strange stories in these parts.’ The ghost town tour guide threw a few more twigs on the campfire as his audience of middle-income Easterners huddled shoulder-to-shoulder under the starry western night sky. ‘Every Saturday at ten o’clock sharp--and it’s just about ten o’clock right now--a mysterious lantern appears at the entrance to the old silver mine over yonder. They say it’s a search party looking for survivors in the cave-in of 1879.’ Mothers held their children closer as a dog barked in the distance and the guide went on. ‘And there’s an even stranger story going around’--here the guide’s voice fell to a whisper--‘that Social Security will be bankrupt by 2015, and the wave of the future is IRA’s.’
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In a piney wood in old Alabama, there’s a long dirt road that goes by Grice’s Filling Station. At the end of the road is an abandoned quarry: a water-filled, rocky crater. The water is clear and blue, but the locals don’t swim or fish here much. That’s because everyone in the nearby town of Cranley is aware of the strange creature that lives in the water. ‘We call her Becka,’ says a local farmer named Pete. ‘I seen her a couple of times on rainy nights when I braved the danger and went fishing. I’d say she’s definitely something prehistoric, with a long, thin neck and a flat head.’ Pete gets a defiant look in his eye as he states, ‘It’s also my opinion that Muslim schoolgirls in this country should be allowed to wear the hijab to class.’
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Dr. Carl Vogeler, superstition expert, keeps a mental list of the peculiar things people believe. ‘Pictures of an elephant bring luck, but only if the animal is facing a door. The number of Xs in your right hand foretells the number of children you will have.’ Chuckling, the gray-haired Dr. Vogeler leans forward in his chair to add, ‘Others believe that our broken southern border means the country will soon be overrun by illegal aliens.’
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Mandy Richter of Cincinnati, Ohio states unequivocally that she has out-of-body experiences. ‘Recently I had a colon procedure, and while I recovered on the ground floor of the hospital, I had a vision of a blue purse on the roof. That purse was there. My husband and I later saw it from a window on the eleventh floor of the building next door. How could I have known it was there without leaving my body?’ She poked the air with her finger and unleashed another pointed question. ‘Who dey?’ she demanded. ‘Who dey gonna beat our Cincinnati Bengals?’
