Although once thought to have outlasted their 15 minutes of fame, theme restaurants are still around and desperately trying to keep pace with consumers' ever-changing interests. Throughout the sector a renewed emphasis on food and customer service, as well as a surprising influx of new concepts, is helping keep nervous investors at bay.

But with 'Planet Hollywood' disintegrating and 'The Fashion Café' suffering from Bulimia, one is forced to ask the question, are theme restaurants done? Has the fad passed? Well no, not if developer Andy "Iceberg" Epstein has anything to say about it.

"You sho'nuf gonna step the fuck off, with that shit nigga." Says Epstein. "Me." "That's what the fuck I'm talkin' about." "Branding my own ass". "Makin' a lil' sompin' sompin". "Shit."

Epstein, a colorful former tax accountant from the Great Lakes area, is owner and operator of a nascent venture called "Epstein's Dope Stable, L.L.C". This corporation, conceptualized and formed by Andy Epstein in the late nineteen seventies, is financed by some of the world's leading lending institutions. Designed to serve as the corporate backbone for Epstein's business empire, the venture hinges on one key concept: a theme restaurant called The Backhand Experience.

"It's like, interactive." "States of the Art and shit.", says Epstein. "Big T.V's with boom boxes up in 'em, fine bitches wearing thongs…..big 'ol titties", he says. Mr. Epstein's high concept, a sort of Rain Forrest Café meets Cabrini Green, is one which investors apparently jumped at the chance to finance.

"It's just such a unique opportunity", says Dave Woodson, a Loan Officer from the First National Bank of California. "We know we are bucking the trend with theme restaurants, but we think we are in a unique position with a unique property, and we intend to avoid the mistakes of those who have gone before us." Woodson says, trying awkwardly to cover up the cigarette sized burn on his eyelid.

And so, with seemingly little more than a fake fur overcoat, a mouthful of unbrushed teeth, and some decidedly nebish features, Epstein has been able to garner an impressive amount of financial support for his project. With over $100 million in funding, Epstein's clearinghouse "The International Pimp Factory" has been able to lease 27,000 square feet of real estate in Burbank, California. The site for the proposed restaurant, formerly an overflow lot for the Walt Disney Studios, was recently bought by Epstein for an undisclosed amount of money. This lot, which was previously not for sale, was put on the market late last year just days after it mysteriously exploded and burned to the ground. Epstein foresees breaking ground on the operation sometime before the end of the month.

But what will the restaurant look like? What will draw in the huge crowds necessary to recoup the more than $50 million Investment? We asked Chet Winthrope from Citibank what drew his bank to the project. "Well, it's a pretty safe play for us, a homerun, really", he says. "When Epstein came in here with three coat hangers fashioned into a truncheon and said that he was going to 'kick' us, well, we weren't that interested". "But then, after he made us snort some Crystal Meth at gun point, we began to see the lifestyle trends and strategy behind the concept", says Winthrope. "The Pimp venue will not merely depend on the prostitute waitresses, but depend more on the underlying lifestyle and ghetto leisure themes from which fuc… spending time with prostitutes draws its world-wide popularity."

"It's sexy, but wholesome", says Dave Pickering, President of Marketing and Strategy for Puckered Ass and Associates. "There will be trash on the floor, a section with bums throwing up on themselves." "Even a video wall that's gonna create immersive scenes of famous whoring spots from around the world." Pickering says. "We will emphasize the healthy lifestyle aspects of sleeping with hookers, with various whore-related pro-pleasure activities." Pickering stops for a moment, then continues "Our staff will be extraordinarily attractive in a girl next door that just became a whore sort of way." "Our food will also be simple, but kind of slutty and gross."

And according to industry experts, that's the trick to achieving lasting success in today's competitive theme restaurant market: The food. Says Joesph Entonito, a PR Officer from Kleiner Perkins, "When it comes down to it, those are the aspects that attract repeat customers and promote longevity at any restaurant".

"Most of the theme restaurant developers who came before us made two mistakes", says Entonito, adjusting the foam pad inside his steel neck brace. "They didn't pay enough attention to the food. And they expanded too fast. We plan on making exactly those same mistakes, but we're hedging our bets by selling women."

The Backhand Experience will bill itself as "Classic American Food Served by Whores". "We are hoping to have the best menu and 40 oz. beer list in the entire theme-restaurant industry", says Head Chef Javier Montoyez. "In a nutshell" says Montoyez, "it's the food and the service that drives a successful theme restaurant". "But the food, it'll be, you know, like every other place." "The thing is, we gonna have some tight bitches, essè." "Real tight bitches". Montoyez's menu includes some unique Entrees such as "Gonorrhea-Seared Tuna Steak" and "Cigarette Butts."

Dave Pickering, however, makes sure to point out that food isn't everything. "The development team is aware that we need to create customer loyalty in the community", he says. "We want this establishment to be able to count on locals as well as tourists for revenue", he says. "Our philosophy is basically A) Make the experience positive, and B) Give a lot of blow jobs". "This isn't rocket science." "We're just going to let our wait staff suck a lot of Dick."

For his part, Epstein remains very involved in creating the look and feel of the venue. "When you walk into the fucking kitchen, there's gonna be a sign that says "Welcome to Cook County", 'cause it's like a joke." says Epstein. "It's gonna be dark, right, so you're sayin' 'is that waitress givin' that motherfucker a hand job?' 'I can't tell!' "That's exciting, man." "Excitement!" "We gonna have sections named after some motherfuckers…. "The Snoop Dogg Room"… "Huey Newton Hall"….. some shit like that". "It's gonna be big, It's gonna be smoky, and there's gonna be lots and lots of pussy".

Plans for the site include a miniature version of Chicago's famed 'L' commuter train to ferry diners to and from their tables, as well as a number of gigantic LCD television screens that will play pornographic movies specifically designed for the restaurant. There are also designs for a theme-related gift shop, where diners can buy T-shirts, posters, squeeze bottles, lunch boxes, action figures, faulty contraceptives, guns and dirty needles. Epstein says "It's an intimate thing, fuckin' somebody." "They'll be up there, like 20 feet large, and you'll be sittin' there watchin' with your kids and you'll be eating some spare ribs, and then you'll buy the littlest one a t-shirt".

And avid fans of pimp history won't be disappointed, either. The Backhand Experience is being designed as a showcase for pimp history, as well as pimp culture. Developers promise that it will have a truly intergenerational appeal -"nostalgia for adults and forbidden fruit for kids". "The Pimp theme is as American as apple pie" says Woodson, "and the food we've sampled wasn't just edible, but even good in some instances."

But not everybody is as excited as Dave Woodson about creating The Backhand Experience. Mary Mathewson, a Burbank resident and co-founder of the community action group "No to Iceberg Epstein", outlines her feelings on the subject. "Yeah, sure, teenagers in monkey costumes serving you some panned pizza, guitars signed by Ringo Starr, whatever." "But this restaurant, this Pimp thing, it's just so beyond the boundaries of good taste." "I mean, prostitution is, for one thing, illegal", says Mathewson, trying to maintain her composure. "Did they tell you the part about how they sent me 8 kilos of cocaine with a note that said "you're fucked now, bitch". "Did they tell you about that?" "It's really just criminal." "It makes me want to leave the country", says Mathewson.

"Check it out", Epstein says, rubbing the serpent headed medallion that caps his ivory walking cane. "Nigga ain't got no money he self, so he had to get nasty and beat some asses with a tire iron." "But we got the funds, and now we're….." Epstein interupts himself, peering dramatically over his enormous Wal-Greens sunglasses, "Eisner's gonna feel some big hurt…know what I'm sayin'….and he's gonna know that Iceberg made the hurt happen." "Criminal?", Epstein says, "You God Damn right I'm a criminal".

And so, with a great amount of Bravado, and a great amount of money, The Backhand Experience makes its foray into the rough and tumble world of "eatertainment". And if Iceberg Andy Epsetin's visible erection is any indication of things to come, this place is gonna be hot.

Here's a brief glimpse of the menu:

Appetizers

• Tossed Salad
• "It Burns when I urinate" Hot Wings
• "Bobby, Seale off the bathroom 'cause I think I'm gonna shit my pants" Salsa
• Cocaine
• Scotch
• Whore soup
  
  Pasta
  
  
• Kiss/Kick/Kiss Macarooni
• Junky's Crack Roasted Jambalaya
• Angel Hair with Trick Baby Asparagus in a Puff Daddy Pastry
• Poultry Breast San'wich
• Eggs Benedict with five dollar make you Hollerdaise sauce
• Fried Chicken
• Cornish Got Game Hen
• Jive Turkey
  
  Seafood
  
  
• Mack Daddy Mackerel
• Hustle and Mussles
• 8 inch Swordfish
• Halibutt
• Shrimpy Cock-tail
• Larissa
• Shoniquo
  
  Meat
  
  
• Chicago Style Brisket with hypodermic needles
• Extremely Tender Loins
• "What's your fucking problem?" T-Bone Steak
• 8 oz. Prime Rib with "Bling Bling" Mashed Potatoes
• God Damn Pig
• Mary had a little Lamb, and I fucked that too.
  
  Vegetarian
  
  
• Lesbian Lasagne
  
  Desert
  
  
• Gigolo Jello
• Sweet talkin' cherry pie
• "God Damn, that's good ice cream" ice cream
• Skin Brulee
• Chocolate
• A Blow Job