When I first got a time machine, I thought it would change my life. I imagined myself becoming rich, powerful and changing the very course of history. Now it just sits in the basement with a sweatshirt on it.

It's not like I'm lazy. It's just really hard to clear out my schedule. I have a full time job. And I joined a bowling league last February. I never realized how much work that is! Now we're in the finals so the pressure's really on. We play on Wednesdays but Mondays we get together to practice. Brad's really working on his 7-10 split. I gotta support the team.

I was going to use it over the weekend but the only day I had free Cheryl made me paint the nursery. Sure, I could return the exact moment I left but I was just wiped. It's not the paint, it's the taping that kills you. What's the point of seeing Christ's birth if you just want to take a nap once you're there? I'd just be all cranky. Tell Mary to push. And you know something? Those wise men have no sense of humor.

The machine also takes too long to warm up. I might as well take a shower once I flip the switch because I'm only going to be staring at it for twenty minutes waiting for that green light. By then, a rerun of "Frasier" is on. That Eddie.

My wife started collecting these hummel figurines. She bought about twenty on ebay and all of a sudden there's no place for the boxes. She says you have to keep the boxes. So Friday I go down to the basement, open up the time machine and what's it full of? Hummel boxes. They're all over the cockpit, the fuel intake, the flux capacitor. I start taking them out of the cockpit and here comes Sheryl whining about her boxes. "Where we gonna put them now?" You wanna argue with her? Meeting Elvis is not worth the aggravation, believe me.

I did use it when I first got it. Went to D Day. It was a lot of smoke and confusion. I couldn't really see anything. Everyone was yelling in French. The History Channel has way better footage. And I could watch that while I eat.

This is just like my saxophone.