You're short, you have a burning desire to dominate Russia, you don't wash your hair: you have the Napoleon Complex.

You want to have sex with your mother, you kill your father, you go to jail: you have the Oedipus Complex.

You go on TV, you suck, you don't know it: you have the Van Pelt Complex.

For those without permanently-tuned-in-to-ESPN televisions in their brains, Scott Van Pelt is an anchor on the sports network's flagship program, SportsCenter. He has had an impressive rise. He has made a name for himself in a crowded field. Some people recognize him on the street.

Perhaps more significant, however, than any of these impressive professional accomplishments, Scott Van Pelt has managed to achieve so much while remaining a total dork.

At first I thought he was just a bad sports anchor, but now I realize that he's a bad anchor and he's a dork. That being said, there's nothing wrong with being a dork. Nearly 84% of the people on Earth are dorks.

Of course, that's fine, so long as they realize that they're dorks. Alex Franks was a dork. I went to school with him for 12 years and I have seen first hand that he was a dork. But what's important is that he knew it. He understood the role he was meant to play. And I appreciate that.

The main problem with Scott Van Pelt, professional overachiever, bad anchor, is that he doesn't realize he's a dork. This is the root of the Van Pelt Complex: delusion.

Scott Van Pelt's the guy who doesn't get the joke. Every night he injects hip catch phrases on SportsCenter like "Weeeeeee!!!!!" and "He's doing it just like his momma taught him" that are neither "hip" nor "catch." He's an embarrassment to himself and his family. Not because he's a dork, mind you, but because he doesn't realize it. Scott Van Pelt believes he is the coolest person in the room. This is precisely what is wrong with Scott Van Pelt. And the world.

I don't mind when good things happening to bad people. That's not what upsets me. I don't care if some poor schmuck who doesn't deserve it wins the lottery. I know he won't know what to do with the money, he'll eventually lose it all, and he'll live the rest of his life in misery. I know this because I'm smarter than everyone and I'm clairvoyant. And watching poor saps fall, fast, hard, long into a pit of disfunction makes me happy.

But people with the Van Pelt Complex never realize their loserdom. These people serve no purpose. They bring me no joy. There's no reward in making fun of a loser who doesn't know that he's a loser. The Van Pelts of the world will go to their graves believing that they're better than everyone when in fact they are better than no one.

I just got through watching Van Pelt's commentary on Tiger Woods' victory this past weekend at the Western Open:

"I hate saying I told you so…no, actually I don't…I told you so!!!
I told you Tiger's wasn't in a slump!!! Blah, blah, blah. We hope
everyone gets it now. Blah, blah, blah. People working at KFC
dipping chickens into a deep fryers would die for this slump. Blah.
blah, blah. I'm right your wrong, blah, blah, blah."

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

You may think I'm bitter because he's on TV and I'm not. Well, you may be onto something. But there are bigger issues here. There are people that that don't understand the circumstances of their delusion. If Van Pelt knew he was a dork and he was on TV, I would respect him for that. That takes guts. But a dork who thinks he's cool … that I do not condone.

There are millions of people who suffer from the Van Pelt Complex. They come from all walks of life. They are on TV, they are the sole heir to a South African diamond fortune and they are the guy pumping my gas at the full service line at the Exxon . They will never fully understand that I am better than they are in every way they can imagine.

And that sucks.