If you ride horses, you probably ride just that-horses. Well, I ride horses, too, except that they are dogs.

I usually saddle up with a pretty big guy, like a black lab or a mastiff (if I can find one!!!), maybe one of those Marmaduke-style things.

Look, I'm no dog fan. I didn't have one as a kid, or at least I didn't have one that I did not shoot dead. I also kind of get the chills when a dog, with its warm body and hair, comes near me. I think maybe I'm allergic, but it's just kind of the willies that gets me when one of those things comes by.

So what I'm saying is that I don't ride dogs horseback because I like the animals. Yes, I do like some animals-like maybe a pig or a rabbit, even a chicken or certain kinds of fish. And I like those apes at the zoo, with their oh-so-human hands and their trashy sense of humor.

But dogs-you can have 'em, unless you're talking about using 'em to get to school or work on. I mean, I used to ride a horse or camel to my office in the financial district. I got a lot of traffic tickets and horrified looks from prissy women who like to think of themselves as progressive. Progressive? Please. I'm just trying to get to work here, honey, and you're talking to me about how Newt Gingrich or Tom DeLay or Joe Montana or whatever won't pay for your special-needs child to play on the football team? Out of my way. I'm trying to park my horse-camel.

I did, though, try to fit in better by riding the bus for a few days. But I just found it really hard to stand near other people and to have to pull that cord when I wanted out. I one time pulled it so hard the whole thing came down. I panicked and wrapped it quickly around the neck of the man standing next to me. He tried to scream, so I just kept pulling tighter. Other people around me pretended not to notice, which I thought was very gracious. The man turned blue and blood spurted out of his eyes. The bus stopped (I guess the driver heard me pulling after all, even though he pretended not to!!!), so I got off. Though nothing ever happened to me after that, I really understood that maybe the bus wasn't for me.

I didn't know how I'd get to work. Taxis were too expensive. It was too much of a hassle to park my car downtown. Too far to walk.

Then it hit me, when I saw a dog get run over by a car. It was sort of a Reese's peanut butter cup moment, where chocolate and peanut butter just go so great together even though no one ever really knew they would. Here, you had a dog, everyone's great friend, running into (literally!!) the very symbol of transportation!! What genius!! I went up to the dog, pushed his grieving owner aside, and shook that dog's lifeless paw. "Thank God for you, thank God for you!" I shouted, right in the dog's face, close to his un-hearing, dead ear. I looked up and pointed at the sky, much like a soccer player might after a goal. "And thank you," I said, to God.

So I started riding. I obviously ride pretty big dogs like I was saying, because I am a grown man. But sometimes, for kicks, I ride a little doggy. Sometimes they don't like it, but sometimes they do, so I really figure it works out pretty good for everybody. Here's one piece of advice, though, if you're going to follow in my footsteps-don't ride bareback!! It's too prickly.