Testifier #1. I first heard God speak to me when, as a young man in college, I did volunteer work as a tutor in inner-city high schools. I had just completed a lesson in algebra for a young man who never took his headphones off, and as he packed up his knife and Walkman to go home, I heard a deep and all-encompassing voice say to me, ‘You know what? If your brains were Goma-2, they wouldn’t blow your hat off. Get outta this classroom before I turn you into a cinder.’       

I didn’t argue with the Lord, but, filled with His message, I quit tutoring and got a part-time job selling sex lotions out of a catalog. After that everything was cool.
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Testifier #2. I was typing away in my cube when suddenly my monitor burst into what looked like flames--only it didn’t burn up or smoke or smell bad--and I heard a deep voice come out of the speakers and say, ‘Harvey, this is the Lord. Take that handgun you’ve been bringing to the office and sacrifice six of your co-workers to My Glory.’

I said, ‘For real, Lord?’ And the Lord replied, ‘On second thought, give Me one good reason that you continue to suck up the precious oxygen on My planet and I’ll put in a good word for you at the Front Office.’ I said I’d think about it and let Him know. Then I called Computer Support for a new monitor, just to be safe. Oh yeah, God got back to me and said I could take until Tuesday to answer His question, because He knew it was a toughie. But He said I’d be getting a call about a promotion any day now, praise Jesus!
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Testifier #3. I was working my volunteer hour making sandwiches at a soup kitchen at noon. I had just put maybe my fiftieth peanut butter sandwich on a tray when I heard the Lord--Oh, it was He!--say to me, ‘You just got jelly on your Dockers. What a dipshit!’

I thought, ‘Screw this, I’m off to the golf course.’ And I went. But after I bogey-putted the second hole, God told me, ‘Holy crap, green polyester slacks! I’m damning you to hell just for how you *dress*!’ So I got nervous, as you might imagine, and shot a 130 for the round.
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Testifer #4. I was walking by a filthy panhandler who always made me feel miserable whenever I saw him. I’d never given him anything before, figuring he just wanted money for alcohol, but today I gave him fifty cents. Then the Lord appeared before me and said, ‘By this afternoon you’re going to be really ugly. Alive, but really, really ugly.’ So I turned to the panhandler and demanded my money back. Wouldn’t you? And that afternoon I was transformed into somebody’s prostate.
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Testifier #5. I was teaching a class of developmentally delayed kids. One of them, Johnny Merkle, bounced a stick of chalk off my forehead in an amazingly accurate throw from the back row of desks. Then I heard the voice of the Father say to me, ‘Today you’re becoming an ant, loser. And then you die.’

I said to myself, ‘Man, you can’t please some People. It’s off to the racetrack for me.’

I left, heaving my metal-edged attendance file at Johnny as I went. I missed, but at least he had to duck his head. And I had a great afternoon of betting the horses before the Lord reduced me to an insect that He then stepped upon.
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Testifier #6. I was taking a shortcut through the inner city when God, Whom I knew from a previous conversation, said to me, ‘You better get that Camry out of here before some crackhead tosses a brick through your window. And if that happens, I’ll pluck out your ovaries and hang them on your key ring, so fond am I of import luxury cars.’

You know I turned right out of that neighborhood and didn’t have a bit of trouble, hallowed be Thy name, Heavenly Father!
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Testifier #7. I had graduated from a prestigious school with an MBA, and was walking down the street to a job interview at a top company. Along my way I saw a decrepit old man, a diseased man, a dead man, and a monk. I stopped to rest under a tree and considered my life of privilege. Then I heard God say, ‘Get going, simp. You’ve got exactly five minutes to make your appointment for a dream job that most beginner businessmen would kill for. Miss it, and I’ll seal your lips to the backside of a cab driver.’ You best believe I got the lead out and made my connection on time! And today I’m a rich businessman who avoids paying any taxes, so you know I did the right thing! Hallelujah!